tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69540529306621858572024-02-07T03:12:47.016-05:00BARREN BY THE BAYA journey through infertility to adoption...Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-17638602975383826322010-11-15T07:42:00.010-05:002011-01-25T07:43:15.013-05:00My SonJanuary 23, 2010<br />I want to end this blog on a very positive note. On September 17, 2010, my son was born. A birth mom selected my husband and me in late July. We met her in August and were able to share several outings with her before our baby was born 10 days early. She is an amazing young woman.<br /><br />DH and I were able to establish a relationship with her that we hope will last a lifetime. We send her pictures and letters monthly and will visit her at least once a year. She recently sent our son presents for Christmas. All of us have the best interest of our son at heart. What works best for him will work for all of us. <br /><br />Moving forward with our plan to adopt began during my grief of miscarriages and failed cycles. My journey to become a mother took me the the very pit of hell. Most of the time I wondered how I was going to make it through the day let alone the long process of adoption. I just knew in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. My spirits were so low that I prepared myself to not bond immediately with my baby and to possibly have post-adoption depression. I was wrong on both accounts. <br /><br />Seeing my son for the first time I felt joy. I felt whole. I felt normal. I was suddenly exactly were I was suppose to be. I accepted my infertility because it allowed this gorgeous little boy to enter my life. <br /><br />And he was certainly worth the wait.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk8iIPK8CXSblKOdMiVQFSXeY3IsPgITseeWDa1Cw-BnEEMJQnSCSnGVMO8dCmRK0O1aAViEo6qQIAMQj4uFokX1-fDRH-qRt3eaVVrb7XpnkQym0gGunpLQhs6QZtl1aIAS5EagdjOCQ-/s1600/Xmas+Time+27+201012.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 229px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk8iIPK8CXSblKOdMiVQFSXeY3IsPgITseeWDa1Cw-BnEEMJQnSCSnGVMO8dCmRK0O1aAViEo6qQIAMQj4uFokX1-fDRH-qRt3eaVVrb7XpnkQym0gGunpLQhs6QZtl1aIAS5EagdjOCQ-/s320/Xmas+Time+27+201012.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5565522154914662146" /></a><br /><br />Happy New Year to you! Please do not give up on your dream to parent. It is amazing!<br /><br />Best,<br />Megan<br />Aidan's MomWorking Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-46208159394170164642009-11-10T13:36:00.003-05:002009-11-10T14:10:35.812-05:00BAD CELLSBad Bad Bad Cells. Very Naughty Cells.<br /><br />Last December, I completed the second of two consecutive FETs. Both failed. My TTC journey ended with that last low BETA.<br /><br />For all of 2009, my menstrual cycles have been consistently irregular. Each period would last 15 to 20 days and consisted mostly of clots and light spotting. I don't recall how may days in between each cycle but enough to feel normal. As each period passed, I waited for my body to right itself. Up until this year I was always regular.<br /><br />In September, I went to my favorite gyn and found out my lining was 6x the normal size. We scheduled a D&C for early October. Nothing to stress about right? I have been through worse. I expected my cycles to go back to normal and would have no need to see my gyn again for at least six months. I was completely unprepared for the news I received three weeks ago.<br /><br />I have pre-cancer cells in my uterus. More specifically, Complex Hyperplasia without Atypia. The last part, without atypia, is very important.<br /><br />I DO NOT HAVE CANCER. In fact, I have a very small chance of getting uterine cancer. There is alot of time between pre-cancer and cancer when it comes to the lining of the uterus. I will be on a synthetic progesterone for the next three months to prevent the lining from growing. I will have have another sono the end of January and I think another D&C. (I stopped listening to my doctor at some point and thought more about how I got to this crappy point in life).<br /><br />All of the above I can deal with reasonably. It's the next part that has me in a panic.<br /><br />If I do not respond to the meds my doctor wants to do a hysterectomy. It was at that point that the tears started flowing down my cheeks. The loss of my uterus would put the final nail in my TTC coffin. Do I think I could get pregnant at 43? No, I do not. But a part of me needs to believe that I could. That small bit of maybe is what I am using to get through my adoption wait. I just wanted to be a mother. That's all I ever wanted to be. It is hard to imagine that I haven't lost enough already. That the universe needs more from me. And, I am so tired of the fight. I am so tired of being the sick one. I was always the strong, stable one that everyone could count on. Now I am an emotional basket case. <br /><br />I often wish I could be that strong woman again. I have to remind myself that one day the universe will pay me back. One day, I will be holding the baby that I was meant to parent.<br /><br />For now, I pray the drug treatment will work and I am shopping around for a second opinion. I love my doctor, but I think he is taking the easy way out. I want a doctor that will be willing to fight for my last bit of womanhood. Even if it is only for my own mental health and well being.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-14387201582838309122009-10-26T15:07:00.002-04:002009-10-26T15:19:58.705-04:00Taking Care of BabyDH and I took a drive to NJ this weekend to attend a Baby Care class. It was given by the leader of our adoption support group.<br /><br />The best thing about it was no pregnant bellies! This class is only open to people pursuing adoption. Awesome. It was only 2.5 hours long but, chock full of good parenting tips such as Must Haves for nursery, how to clean the umbilical cord, picking a pediatrician, diapering, swaddling etc. We practiced on baby dolls. DH and I got a pretty decent looking baby. Some looked more like toddlers and there was one that look liked Chu.ckie.<br /><br />We had quite a few laughs and learned alot. It was a good way to pass the time because this waiting sure does suck!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-23138672815592943022009-10-15T16:32:00.003-04:002009-10-15T16:46:09.797-04:00Forever in my HeartToday is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. <br /><br />Tonight I will open the small box I decorated with sparkly butterflies and remember my son and daughter. I keep in this box all of my embryos pictures, sonograms, hospital bracelets and pathology reports from my two pregnancies.<br /><br />I will read the letters I wrote to each baby telling them how proud I was to carry them in my womb even though it was only for 9 and 8 weeks. I will remember all of the hope DH and I had for our family.<br /><br />Dearest little ones, you will live forever in my heart!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgop2vNPlq8lrOP69ENUbiS4AXUEe-mx8BlVukTalLMxsNkYs6UBOpyQU6ZpxFeH6hcofueeB69agfFKikU_IrqInDkl0hmuNbtgvvCtwmIZb3s8fD-iq7Lq2x-hU9ToEMZwgZYiUqke8Ov/s1600-h/flame2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 202px; height: 298px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgop2vNPlq8lrOP69ENUbiS4AXUEe-mx8BlVukTalLMxsNkYs6UBOpyQU6ZpxFeH6hcofueeB69agfFKikU_IrqInDkl0hmuNbtgvvCtwmIZb3s8fD-iq7Lq2x-hU9ToEMZwgZYiUqke8Ov/s320/flame2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392930764244146178" /></a>Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-30764237358822401902009-08-18T11:22:00.026-04:002009-08-20T14:38:41.208-04:00CruisingNo, I haven't been trolling bars for a new man! DH and I are off on a cruise vacation this Saturday. (Of course, Hurricane Bill is blowing into the area). We are headed to New England and Canada from NYC. We planned for it in May and can't believe it's time to leave already.<br /><br />It will be my first trip under the Verrazano Narrows bridge (VNB). I cross over it everyday to and from work. The views are stunning. It is the largest suspension bridge in the US and 8th in the world. On a clear day I can see Brooklyn, Queens, Manhanttan and parts of New Jersey. This is the bridge that the guys in Saturday Night Fever jumped off to give Annette heart failure. I know the movie is a very old reference but, hey...I almost 43!!! This movie was a big deal when I was 11. ( I am sure I wasn't allowed to see it in the movies. I probably saw it on my cousins cable box - the one with only one channel. My aunt and uncle were never home and we always watched the R rated movies).<br /><br />This was also the bridge I crossed the morning of 9/11. I remember the trip perfectly. It was the most insanely beautiful day. The sun was shining and the sky was a stunning blue. As we crossed over the highest point, I could clearly see the city skyline. As I was thinking how much I love living in NYC, I was blissfully unaware of what was going to happen in less then 45 minutes. Thankfully, I was safely in my office many blocks north of ground zero but very very scared. <br /><br />Here is a picture if the bridge looking toward the island I call home. I live on the bay along the left side of the picture (but not anywhere near the bridge):<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7nk-KxEOqtZ66cddAqr_1-RbEQcCh_rse8-Klw_BBH1sQJifRsrnpicOeMGNDvHn-OpZdn-_qE2J-vaiVltD9d190Xuxv0-djWVPaG8mKw-10EHOFAIjCzvMRaV0fTKuiDNRnCnSU-cf/s1600-h/verrazano-narrows-bridge_img03.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 233px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7nk-KxEOqtZ66cddAqr_1-RbEQcCh_rse8-Klw_BBH1sQJifRsrnpicOeMGNDvHn-OpZdn-_qE2J-vaiVltD9d190Xuxv0-djWVPaG8mKw-10EHOFAIjCzvMRaV0fTKuiDNRnCnSU-cf/s320/verrazano-narrows-bridge_img03.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371730238406758882" /></a><br /><br />Here it is at night:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXqsTxXUr0euOLlk2WEB_PmrLB7NZE_zGNGKXiShcVeWgOtC24zzAvY2iALpbZlYuM7ZQ2tca3a1aruzD8x2t7DlQsIuVxTNSYdIwXwnLw-oD5zaGO2B-8V-rRrBKpWv4228R4ua1c07nV/s1600-h/800px-Verrazano_Narrows_Bridge.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXqsTxXUr0euOLlk2WEB_PmrLB7NZE_zGNGKXiShcVeWgOtC24zzAvY2iALpbZlYuM7ZQ2tca3a1aruzD8x2t7DlQsIuVxTNSYdIwXwnLw-oD5zaGO2B-8V-rRrBKpWv4228R4ua1c07nV/s320/800px-Verrazano_Narrows_Bridge.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371731248909997042" /></a><br /><br />However, as much as I love the VNB, I would never do this:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFN33KIN48d2soQNLCcmC7xzfo6ur5lXcVzxLFuJ3EnXyU1w1B2jfbZ3Q6u65hyphenhyphennBLv_q3JNUQCZr_dX7kvD7Tjhv0fgWDp9exESADMxz1dFMFJVc1cdNHNfiOoFWYhRfKQ1bTt4SVwBMf/s1600-h/PICT0551.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFN33KIN48d2soQNLCcmC7xzfo6ur5lXcVzxLFuJ3EnXyU1w1B2jfbZ3Q6u65hyphenhyphennBLv_q3JNUQCZr_dX7kvD7Tjhv0fgWDp9exESADMxz1dFMFJVc1cdNHNfiOoFWYhRfKQ1bTt4SVwBMf/s320/PICT0551.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371730825807207138" /></a><br /><br />A tramp stamp...of a bridge...WTF was he thinking!!!<br /><br />Anway, back to my vacation. The ship will hopefully make the following stops - Newport, RI where we will walk along the Cliff Walk, take a tour of Breakers, have lunch at the best burger place in town and spend the rest of the day checking out the city. Next, off to Boston for whale watching and more good eats, then to Bar Harbor for more whale watching, Acadia National Park and lobster rolls!!! I didn't get enough lobster while in Maine last month so I need more!!! Then off to St. John's and Halifax. DH set up some tours there too but, I have no idea what. He handles the booking of most of our vacations. One tour involves a hike through some waterside caves which gave me a reason to buy these land/water shoes:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyx85rY5gc5qP1_Sce_Qg9Atw8eNnP1KHHwkFx9jF3fgzEjB0EA3QT9vVocCKL7eGSGzaW47EWfezE-G65tmnZ11dpkZuUQP0AFuim7WzMHtIIERd2INs8ODINqquj8I-SlWYJpvXI_QVs/s1600-h/IMG00054.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyx85rY5gc5qP1_Sce_Qg9Atw8eNnP1KHHwkFx9jF3fgzEjB0EA3QT9vVocCKL7eGSGzaW47EWfezE-G65tmnZ11dpkZuUQP0AFuim7WzMHtIIERd2INs8ODINqquj8I-SlWYJpvXI_QVs/s320/IMG00054.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5372034914921340018" /></a><br /><br />However, everything could change based on Bills's path. That's ok, I'm up for the adventure!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-50417152461105949012009-07-20T16:08:00.002-04:002009-07-20T16:43:18.587-04:0006.29.09The title of this post is the date Mr. G and I officially became waiting parents with our agency! I am so excited to finally be paper pregnant!!! <br /><br />My family and friends, those that know, keep asking when I will be matched. I just keep answering <em>Christmas 2010</em>. I pray it is sooner but, it is completely out of my control. I should be use to that state of mind by now, but I am not. <br /><br />Our agency uses a post card system to notify you when your profile is shown. We received our first card on July 6th. It was for a woman that was in her 8th month. I was so excited and nervous. I kept thinking about all the work that needed to be done at home and in the office. When I calmed down a bit I realized the gal probably made her decision before I even received the card in the mail. Of course, there is a possibility we could still get the call but, I won't hold my breath.<br /><br />We went to our adoption support group yesterday. I just love this group. We did have a couple in the group for a few months that were not supportive at all. I guess the leader thought so too and they were asked to find another group. The remaining four couples including DH and me get along very well. We have always liked this one particular couple who have been waiting the longest - 15 months. They finally have a match. I am so excited for them and so hopeful for my own future.<br /><br />It started feeling more real when we were talking about their situation and how to handle it going forward. There has been nothing leading up to this point that has taught me how to deal with birth families, social workers, agencies, lawyers, hospital staff etc. Scary!!! <br /><br />Thankfully, my group and the blog community will help me!!!<br /><br />I just pulled the invisible seat belt on my lap tighter. I first buckled up when staring IVF #2. I told my husband it was going to be a <em>very bumpy ride</em>. And, two plus years later the bumps have only gotten worse. Only this time I can see the end of the road more clearly.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-66794307992090326912009-04-05T08:44:00.000-04:002009-04-09T14:07:56.287-04:00Moving ForwardDecision made. <br /><br />Domestic newborn open adoption it is!<br /><br />I am excited and terrified all at once. <br /><br />I choose adoption over donor eggs mostly because my family is very open to adoption already. My niece K was placed in my sister's arms 12 years ago in a semi-open adoption. I will only have to minimally educate my family and friends about the process of open adoption. I had alot of unresolved issues with DE and I am giving myself the option to explore it again once I become a mom.<br /><br />Mr. G and I have been very busy since our final ART cycle. We interviewed several agencies, joined a support group, signed with an agency and completed our home visits. We received a draft of our home study yesterday. Our SW wrote very lovely things about us. Things that I had forgotten about during the fog of IF and ART.<br /><br />And now, for the first time in my life , I can confidently say - I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!!!! <br /><br />WHOO-HOO!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-65905516594854669672008-12-03T12:14:00.000-05:002008-12-05T08:53:11.484-05:00Tis' the SeasonThe day after Thanksgiving, Mr. G and I received our first Christmas card. It was from my husband's former co-worker T. She is the gal that hooked us up with our current RE. The only doctor to ever give us a real chance to try for a baby. She got pregnant a few weeks after me last year. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage.<br /><br />At first, I was very excited to receive the card. T is really a great person and her baby is absolutely gorgeous. I was looking in awe at this little baby that she and her husband created. Suddenly, an intense sadness flowed through my body. I will never be able to look at a baby and see my genetics. Why? And, why T and not me? We both endured the same grueling procedure. Why was I the unlucky one?<br /><br />Later that night, I ran to the supermarket to pick up a few things and grabbed a cheesy tabloid on my way out. One of the first spreads was of Brook.e Sheil.ds and her two beautiful daughters. Again, I found myself devastated that I will never have children that share my genetics. I will never be able to look into a cubby cherub and see myself. Again, why her and not me? Why is she better than me? <br />Shame instantly followed. <br /><br />I have failed as a woman. My body is useless.<br /><br />I felt like crap for two whole days walking around angry and bitter and snapping at people who dared to cross my path. I felt so badly that I Goog.led 'angry bitter infertile' and actually found a wonderful worksheet put out by Resolve about coping with infertility. It was mostly about how family and friends can help. In the past, I have tried educating those around me about IF. It was a useless effort. Everyone treads lightly around me. No one takes a moment to say "are you really ok?". Even my Mom. I guess they are afraid I might really answer them.<br /><br />BTW - My emotions are totally fueled by the progesterone and estrogen I am taking after completing my final ART procedure last week. My RE thawed my last four blasts and all were transfered. Here I wait to see if this time might finally be my time. I am doubtful but, I am only admitting that here. To anyone else that knows about my transfer I am the picture of positivity!!! Because you know that positive thoughts will get any gal pregnant. Right.<br /><br />This holiday season I am sending out a photo card for the first time. While in Alaska, Mr. G and I took a picure in front of the Hubbar.d Glacier. Well, truth be told, we took a ton of pictures in front of the glacier praying that one would be nice enough to grace a card. Thankfully one did. Cran.es has some pretty digital image cards. It came out really well and I can't wait to send it to our friends and family. I figure if I have to endure looking at other people's kids I might as well let them see what life looks like without children!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-41650100554986681352008-11-05T14:55:00.000-05:002008-11-05T15:54:50.898-05:00Feelin' GoodFrom the words sung by the late great Nina Simone...<br /><br /><em>It's a new dawn,</em><br /><br /> <em>It's a new day,</em><br /><br /> <em>It's a new life for me...</em><br /><br /> <em>And, I'm feelin' good!!!</em><br /><br />Congratualtions to our President Elect Barak ObambaWorking Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-36637720530601539642008-10-20T13:47:00.001-04:002008-10-27T16:45:44.925-04:00FET #1So over a month ago, the day before my 42nd birthday, my RE transfered four thawed embryos into my uterus. It was the four from my IVF #3 in May. My RE and embryologist both agreed these four were better than the four I have from IVF #2.<br /><br />After I miscarried last summer, my RE encouraged me to hold these embryos and do IVF #3. At the time, he felt I should hold the embryos in case I wanted a sibling for the baby I was for sure going to have after another fresh cycle. Well, we know how IVF #3 turned out. And, here I am down to my last four embryos. Happy Eff'ing Birthday.<br /><br />My first BETA after FET #1 came back at 6.7. It was heartbreaking. Thankfully, it just went down from there so the end was swift. This was the first cycle I ever POAS so it wasn't surprising. I just wished it were my time. I just wished my story was "gee...all my tests were negative but, it worked anyway...haha...ain't life grand". Not this time sweetie. You must suffer longer.<br /><br />Today, I started my Lu.pron injections for FET #2. I had been holding off for many months doing any offical grief work until now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. My therapist thinks it's time. She says I need a new plan before this cycle is over. <br /><br />My GYN wants me to see a different doctor that uses PGD. I am very torn. Technically, IVF worked for me twice. I just had bad eggs. I would love my own genetic child but, I just can't put myself through anymore trauma. I am guessing if I see a new RE, I would have to emotionally commit to at least two cycles. I don't think I can do that. Even with PGD it is just a chance at pregnancy. I never was a gambler so why am I torturing myself. The odds are against me.<br /><br />Two weeks ago, my therapist left me with a question to ponder...<br /><br />How much loss can you bear? <br /><br />It gave me alot to think about.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-12243449703584101822008-09-29T12:55:00.000-04:002008-10-01T17:28:20.077-04:00High and LowsSummer started terribly with my second miscarriage over Memorial Day weekend. Mr. G and I then headed up to VT to spend July 4th with my sister K and her family. We all get along fabulously despite a huge age difference between us and her hubbie. Oh...and he is alot wealthier than us too. Our chemistry works and we all had a really nice long weekend together. My sister's kids are really cool. <br /><br />On the job front, I was finally able to stop obsessing over personal problems and get some work done. I had been busy with a project for the past year and a half and it was finally coming to an end. One of my teammates was a new guy that had been really f'ing up the entire time. It was very stressful. Really awful actually. However, the job ended beautifully and the clients were as happy as can be.<br /><br />Later in July, Mr. G and I headed up to Lake George, NY for our friends G&A's wedding. They had asked Mr. G to become a non-denominational minister to perform the ceremony. G&A rented a stunning Victorian house on the lake that slept 25 and a boat for us to sail around. Their hope was that we would all spend the week with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave about three hours after the wedding to catch a train in Albany to be at work to complete the project mentioned above. There were still drunk ass guests sitting on the porch at 3am when I left. I was so jealous. I just wanted to stay with Mr. G and our friends and enjoy the good time. It wasn't fair but, I have a responsibility to my job. This damn friggin' job that I thought I would have left by now to raise my child. Anyway, it was great to be away at an event were children were not the center of attention. Our few friends with kids were so happy to be away that none of them wanted to talk about their lives. Mr. G and I felt normal. It was sooo pleasant.<br /><br />In the meantime, my co-worker A who was pregnant after 5+ years of infertility gave birth at 24 weeks. She suffered placenta abruption and required an emergency c-section. Little D weighed less than a pound but, was a fighter. Every day, and every week was a milestone. At first, her parents were so distraught not knowing how to care for such a little girl in such distress. I remember the day it finally hit A that she was a mom and was going to do whatever she needed to do to make sure her daughter had a great life. Two days later, after four weeks on this earth, little D passed away. My co-worker and her husband were and still are devastated. Each day is a struggle. I cried so hard when I heard the news. I just wanted A to be finally happy. Now she has to deal with an even more devastating loss than IF. I remember two times during her pregnancy when I felt that jealousy burning in me by seeing her. Both times I had to remind myself that she deserved to be happily pregnant. I always supported her throughout and have since. She had a memorial service at her church and Mr. G insisted he go with me. It is just so heartbreaking.<br /><br />Mr. G and I finally made it to our Alaskan cruise. The land and wildlife are breathtaking. I made sure I enjoyed every single moment. At one point, while hanging off the back of a catamaran after seeing about 15 humpback whales in the water around Juneau I realized how lucky I was. I may not have a child yet but, I will one way or the other. I have a great husband and together we can afford these amazing adventures. IF can really tear apart every aspect of your life. At some point, you go through a phase were you can't find happiness anywhere. You are miserable at home so you go to work and find that you are no longer satisfied there either. You lose touch with family and friends because they don't get you anymore. IF is so debilitating. This trip was exactly what I needed. Here are some photo's.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_luAycFbZuenp5LNELctac7VSZw2JgNh6SF_Eip2d-SslHypqgXfwYH1FRWXQ-veqneCCdaIyHJaaIv231q6SB9iNi5hI__6n-s1SFQpPsTBUUzBfBm6-2gPsee7u9wcULNXZBTlZOyR_/s1600-h/Juneau+133.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_luAycFbZuenp5LNELctac7VSZw2JgNh6SF_Eip2d-SslHypqgXfwYH1FRWXQ-veqneCCdaIyHJaaIv231q6SB9iNi5hI__6n-s1SFQpPsTBUUzBfBm6-2gPsee7u9wcULNXZBTlZOyR_/s320/Juneau+133.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252299561903597122" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2RqnSip8-JVt6IhAUSB_i-E_1ptfwkcOkje5Ww4xSsfVnbi23f6YNP9XjGDCCI4AlURvF456lTRpdyeE-ENB5hlM7KW_iqKYQEzGri6KXQjCRdhq9e0mwv7gdd7_3ELe2jEzoU4mEwxh4/s1600-h/Juneau+132.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2RqnSip8-JVt6IhAUSB_i-E_1ptfwkcOkje5Ww4xSsfVnbi23f6YNP9XjGDCCI4AlURvF456lTRpdyeE-ENB5hlM7KW_iqKYQEzGri6KXQjCRdhq9e0mwv7gdd7_3ELe2jEzoU4mEwxh4/s320/Juneau+132.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252298803731256210" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCYIfx8ddm-v7siKCp6Q2vWy6ZkRceZt76ohQYR642YB1k0tV51e5lt5oWvQ7QI-_6i5cgUxU0U2tfxnORdMLWjppzLkDnLNwzmTv2_F06KjT_0NaVv12b-DB9zBEiicL-K0b7hK5BQHS/s1600-h/Juneau+129.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCYIfx8ddm-v7siKCp6Q2vWy6ZkRceZt76ohQYR642YB1k0tV51e5lt5oWvQ7QI-_6i5cgUxU0U2tfxnORdMLWjppzLkDnLNwzmTv2_F06KjT_0NaVv12b-DB9zBEiicL-K0b7hK5BQHS/s320/Juneau+129.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252298708294823874" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfHrhDLDzTw2f-fr4LRK0KGNzpJ9Nnl8Smu_62nUvAyFnNh9I6h5loMpMoBpJk7rBAuMWi89pi-edWqc0IqLT4lJqkoni8H4IQE11KbxXhHTeRZki3q8JuAcVQwCN4pm1kvF7s4QWs67nb/s1600-h/Sitka+126.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfHrhDLDzTw2f-fr4LRK0KGNzpJ9Nnl8Smu_62nUvAyFnNh9I6h5loMpMoBpJk7rBAuMWi89pi-edWqc0IqLT4lJqkoni8H4IQE11KbxXhHTeRZki3q8JuAcVQwCN4pm1kvF7s4QWs67nb/s320/Sitka+126.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252298615238514354" /></a><br />The last photo is a humpback whale feeding on something near the surface of water.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-38501493363579432522008-06-08T16:54:00.000-04:002008-06-18T15:51:54.441-04:00This and ThatPhew...it has been a long time because honestly, I have had nothing to say. To anyone. I have just been internalizing all that has happened to me. The miscarriage is over and I managed the pain well. Self-protection is the phrase of the day!!!<br /><br />**********<br /><br />One of my co-workers has resigned to pursue fertility treatments. I am slightly envious. I have wished many times over the past year to be able to stop work and stay in bed all day. Especially, the weeks after a loss. But, I have to say that there were just as many times that I couldn't be home alone and going to work was a godsend.<br /><br />**********<br /><br />DH and I booked a cruise to Alaska for August. Originally, we wanted to go to Paris. I have been there already and just couldn't see spending a ton of money on a place I have been to. Maybe next year when the economy is better. Neither of us have been to Alaska and we can't wait. DH has wanted to go since he was little and has already book our excursions. We will be cruising the glaciers and whale watching. We are both wrecked emotionally and need a major break.<br /><br />**********<br /><br />I just read <em>An Empty Lap</em> by Jill Smolowe. She is a journalist that adopted a daughter from China after infertility in the late 90's. I loved it and finished it in nearly a day. She was very honest about her depression and marital problems. Her husband was a very reluctant spouse. Ms. Smolowe's writing style was similar to Peggy Orenstein in Waiting for Daisy. <br /><br />**********<br />We had our follow up visit with the RE. This miscarriage was also chromosomal - Trisomy 4. He knows of no live birth with this abnormality. We discussed our next step which is FET. The RE also mentioned...wait for it...<br /><br /><strong><em>donor egg</em>!</strong><br /><br />Gasp...gasp...sigh...sigh. <br /><br />I will post more details later!<strong></strong>Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-54102344284622515782008-05-30T07:12:00.000-04:002008-05-30T08:46:07.347-04:00ANGRY UTERUSMy uterus is pissed. She does not like being messed with at all.<br /><br />The cramping began Wednesday night nice and calmly. Ad.vil worked until early this morning. Around 1:30 am, I needed to bring in the big guns - Controlled Substances!!! I made it through the night but, I hardly slept. I guess I am too much of a control freak for drugs like Vi.codin. <br /><br />I just have to keep remembering this too shall pass.<br /><br />*******************************************************************<br /><br />A couple of weeks ago when I was still pregnant, JulieS of <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://sevenangels7.blogspot.com"><span style="font-style:italic;">Life After Infertility & Loss</span></a></span> nominated me for the Pink Rose Award. She seemed to find my blog at precisely the right time. She understands the huge loss of a pregnancy regardless of how early it happens. Loss is loss.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoIoUP4yIIxaUc0tvRbJHfgJ5oWlXiNCTcuFs2Vzn5BuqEOrZPeGenrnXaqSnfnHakRm9x1s_vc4ZN8b9VytugqjkXzZX-r0D-HcI9agi-ULRKo9MbmRM1_Vc7E5OTIbVkV2GiLHHtNjcD/s1600-h/pinkroseaward.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoIoUP4yIIxaUc0tvRbJHfgJ5oWlXiNCTcuFs2Vzn5BuqEOrZPeGenrnXaqSnfnHakRm9x1s_vc4ZN8b9VytugqjkXzZX-r0D-HcI9agi-ULRKo9MbmRM1_Vc7E5OTIbVkV2GiLHHtNjcD/s200/pinkroseaward.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5206148059493328898" /></a><br /><br /><br />I would like to pass this award to the following ladies:<br /><br />Babe of <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://tickintime.wordpress.com"><span style="font-style:italic;">A Long Winding Road</span></a></span> - After her devastating 1st trimester loss of twins, she now has to say goodbye to her furbaby Sammie. I am a mother to my own furbaby who has helped me get through my own losses. My heart goes out to her and her husband.<br /><br />Mrs. J of <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://inourownweirdway.blogspot.com"><span style="font-style:italic;">In Our Own Weird Way </span></a></span> - After several miscarriages and a canceled IVF she is now weeks away from bringing home her Lil' Pumpkin from China. I admire her decision to walk away from IVF and find resolution through adoption.<br /><br />The rules are as follows:<br />1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this <span style="font-style:italic;"><a href="http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html"><span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">post</span></span></a></span>. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.<br />2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.<br />3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.<br />4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.<br />5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.<br />6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone elseWorking Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-73416540706298706302008-05-28T07:13:00.000-04:002008-05-28T08:01:41.644-04:00IT'S OVERD&C completed yesterday. Thankfully, the hospital my RE is affiliated with has an ambulatory center. I did not have to see one pregnant woman!!! - Yahoo!!! I choose to have my GYN handle my first D&C because I have a better relationship with him. He is a people person and knows exactly what to say in a crisis. This time around I knew what to expect so I decided to give the RE a try. It went fine. <br /><br />At first, I was pissed because he told us to get to the hospital at 10:30 am only to find out the appointment was at 12:30 with the procedure at 2:00. It turned out he had another surgery in the hospital's General OR that took longer than expected. He finally called the center at 11:30 to say he would be arriving by 12:30. There was another woman waiting before me that had a whole host of problems. Her surgery was expected to take 1.5 to 2.5 hours. Yikes...I was ready to run. There was no way I could sit there another 2 hours at least. I keep a cool head and let my doctor come to his own conclusion that the schedule didn't make sense. So I was bumped up. I felt horrible for the other woman because she had been there before me and waited longer for the doctor but, it would only delay her surgery by no more than 20 minutes. Phew...She was ok with that and I told her I was very sorry. I left recovery around 2:30 and she was still in the OR. That poor gal!!!<br /><br />DH and I are doing fairly well. I won't say the second miscarriage is easier because I am probably still under the influence of drugs and pregnancy hormones. The nightmare is yet to come. My body and head don't like the hormone adjustment. I typically go to a very dark place that has no room for optimism or hope. But, I do pull through eventually. Hope does return. That bitch!!!<br /><br />DH and I are trying to guess who will announce their pregnancy next. It never fails when I am either cycling or having a miscarriage we get a phone call from someone with their big news. We are definitely feeling the defeat of IF. I expect my old infertile friend that I posted about on April 7, 2008, to send me her birth announcement soon telling me how glorious motherhood is and that hopefully I will get the chance too. Whatever witch!!!<br /><br />Mr. G and I have decided to take the summer off. We have my husband's best friend's wedding in late July. DH was asked to become a minister to officiate the ceremony. He felt very honored. The wedding will take place on Lake George with a lobster bake afterwards. Our friend rented a huge house on the lake for all of his close friends. Unfortunately, we cannot stay all week because of a work obligation I have which really sucks. So Mr. G and I decided to take a luxury vacation in August. We are looking into Paris right now but, the dollar sucks so bad. It probably won't hold us back but, we started pricing the airfare and hotel and we are at $4,500. I have no problem paying money for a nice hotel but, I resent the cost of airfare. It is so much money but, we are still shopping around. We both need a major break from all that has happened to us. <br /><br />I think by September, I will be ready to start a FET. I am not looking forward to Lu.pr.on injections. I have never been on it and I hear such terrible stories. My RE says it isn't so bad because usually he will add estrogen and progesterone after seven days. But, he has never taken it personally so what does he know. I also worry that it will just result in another miscarriage. I am hoping we find the one good egg or it ends in a BFN. I don't want the in between. <br /><br />I am done with being a little pregnant.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-7654620157499769462008-05-24T08:27:00.000-04:002008-05-26T09:28:16.728-04:00NO HEARTBEAT<span style="font-style:italic;"></span>Our ultra sound on Friday confirmed that the little one is gone. No spotting. No cramping. Just a motionless spot on the screen. We have a D&C scheduled for this Tuesday. It sucks that this had to happen before a holiday weekend. I just want it over with. We had no warning with our first miscarriage. We found out on a Monday and by Wednesday the procedure was done. In a small way we were lucky. There weren't any births occurring that night while were at the hospital. I didn't even see a pregnant woman walking around the halls. I was the only person in recovery. <br /><br />What are the chances I will have that good fortune again? It is very devastating to make a woman go to labor and delivery to have her baby sucked out of her. I considered for a very brief moment of just letting the pregnancy pass naturally. But, then I came to my senses! I have been through enough. This time around I found out it is easier finding out the baby is gone rather than the baby is going. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long. I know there are women out there with worse stories. Some woman aren't even offered the choice of a D&C. Lucky me!<br /><br />I went to work on Thursday and Friday just to keep myself distracted. My husband couldn't take off and I did not want to be home alone. I am close to a few of my co-workers and they offered me their shoulders to cry on. My boss was choking back the tears and told me to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. He has been aware of every procedure we have done in the past year. He also lets me leave early every other Monday to attend my infertility support group. He doesn't let anyone leave early. My co-worker Sean sent me a beautiful arrangement of roses, hydrangeas and calla lilies. I greatly appreciate any acknowledgement of our loss. Most people don't understand how significant this is for us.<br /><br />Thankfully, I have this blog and all of you to support me through this awful time. I want to give a special thanks to <span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-style:italic;">JulieS</span></span> <span style="font-style:italic;"> of <a href="http://sevenangels7.blogspot.com">Life after Infertility & Loss</a> <a href="http://sevenangels7.blogspot.com"></a><span style="font-weight:bold;"></span></span> of for awarding the Pink Rose to me. She definitely understands the sad place I am in right now. I promise Julie I will be back to regular blogging and will post a proper thank you very soon. (Note: I am a bit of a tech-tard and really have to work out the cut/paste, links etc).<br /><br />DH and I chose to enjoy this beautiful weekend despite the sadness. The weather in NYC is gorgeous. On Friday night, we took the dog to the beach that is two blocks from our house to watch the sunset. Saturday night we went to the Jersey shore for a delicious seafood dinner. DH had lazy lobster over asparagus risotto and I had pan seared grouper over forbidden rice and roasted fennel. We took a stroll along the ocean afterwards. Yesterday, we chose to not go to a family party and instead we headed to the Botanical Garden in the Bronx. It was just lovely. We really appreciated the good time. <br /><br />Next weekend, I will be curled up in a ball dealing with the intense cramping I get after the procedure. Pass the Vic.odin please!!! I am too frail right now to deal with any physical pain. And, I will need all my energy to deal with the emotional pain that has yet to hit me.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-17618955830533831312008-05-22T14:01:00.000-04:002008-05-22T14:06:53.874-04:00IT'S ALMOST OVERThose were not my doctor's exact words but, that is what we are facing right now. The little one failed to grow in the past week. We still have a faint heartbeat and will have another scan tomorrow. DH and I have to wait until the heart ceases in order to move forward with the D&C. <br /><br />My nightmare continues. I will write more later in between the tears!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-69462518853886993392008-05-15T11:56:00.000-04:002008-05-15T14:36:42.512-04:00We Got the Beat!!!Everybody get on your feet!!! <br /><br />We haven't heard it yet but, it was there in the normal range. Whoo-hoo!!! <br /><br />Phew...DH and I had no idea what to expect when we arrived at the RE's office. We were so relieved to see the flutter on the screen. I just want to wake up tomorrow and have the next five weeks past!!! My doctor wants me to switch to oral progesterone and I told him I wasn't ready yet! I remember when I dreaded those nasty butt shots and now I can't let go. I have about four days of oil left so I am going to finish it off. In my last pregnancy, I got to the point where I thought the progesterone was the only reason I was still pregnant. On one hand, I am afraid to truly embrace this pregancy because it may end at any moment but, on the other hand I want to scream it from the mountain top!!!<br /><br />I have more to say but, work is kicking my ass today!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-39167961594154498672008-05-08T11:34:00.000-04:002008-05-08T11:46:24.331-04:006 Weeks and One DayWe went for our first ultrasound yesterday. We have a pregnancy! Unfortunately, we do not have a heartbeat...yet. As the nurse prepped us, she told us not to expect to hear one. There would be a small chance that we would but, that it was still early. The doctor made the same statement when he started the exam. I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time. My husband and I were sick with worry. <br /><br />I heard the doctor turn on the doppler and did not hear the recognizable swoosh swoosh of the heartbeat. I was so sad but, the doctor told me so far so good. The nurse told DH and I it was time to breathe again. I have a couple of large fibroids and he explained that the tissue reflects the sound of the u/s making it difficult to hear anything else. After he said this I remembered we had the same problem the last time. As my RE left the room, he told me that he did expect to hear a heartbeat next week. <br /><br />Uh...ok...I'll get right on that sir!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-34262425221070059662008-05-05T13:26:00.000-04:002008-05-05T13:33:26.072-04:00Nothing NewI haven't been blogging because I can't think of anything except my ultrasound this Wednesday. With my first pregnancy, I was very cocky at this point and told so many people that I was pregnant. This time around, I don't even believe I am pregnant. I am afraid to say or write about what I am feeling or not feeling. I don't want to jinx myself and I am not even supersitious!!! <br /><br />I really appreciate all of your kind comments!!! Bloggers are keeping me sane!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-62688044532570387682008-05-01T16:49:00.000-04:002008-05-01T16:56:27.840-04:00OMG...Today's BETA is 911 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't believe it!! I will have my first ultrasound next Wednesday, May 7th. I am still praying that there is a sac with a yolk implanted in a good place!!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-75757002241924112672008-04-25T17:00:00.000-04:002008-04-25T17:07:27.508-04:00Blood Test #2Today's BETA = 45<br /><br />The doctor said he was very happy with that number. So, why am I still worried?! <br /><br />I will continue taking the progesterone and estrogen. My third BETA is on May 1st. I really appreciate all of your well wishes. It is hard to be joyful when I know how early it is and how much I have to lose. I am still pretty calm though. I had a bit of a breakdown the night before first BETA. My husband, on the other hand, has been a disaster for weeks. I think because he has been such a nervous wreck I am feeling more in charge. My household can't handle two out of control freaks.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-65007873601634176492008-04-23T15:52:00.000-04:002008-04-23T18:00:09.636-04:00ResultsBETA = 26.2<br /><br />I am praying that my next test on friday is over 50. Stay tuned!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-18486621041606116772008-04-16T13:23:00.001-04:002008-04-16T17:55:34.220-04:00A Few Good EggsSo, what does egg quality mean anyway? Two IRL infertiles that are younger than me are now nursing their newborns at home. Both got pregnant after me with just mediocre eggs. There are other friends too. All around 30 years old. My doctor was always proud of the eggs that I produced but, that hasn't gotten me a child. How can beautiful text book quality eggs just fall flat? Old eggs that's how!!! <br /><br />My husband wanted to play the odds this time around and put four back. He figured it was better to get pregnant with multiples and let nature sort things out. His hope was that we would end up with the one good egg in the batch. The only problem was my RE said he would not freeze three embryos (one of which wasn't as good as the others). I would have had to discard two seemingly great embryos. I just refused do it. I realize now if I just kicked and screamed alittle he probably would have. It is just hard to think of every possible detail while dressed in a paper gown in a cold OR.<br /><br />I can only hope for the best and figure out the worse later.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-13251497936339441922008-04-15T17:07:00.000-04:002008-04-22T16:26:49.184-04:00Speechless...I transferred three blasts on day five. And, I will hopefully freeze four. <br /><br />I never in my wildest dreams thought I would make it to a day five transfer.Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6954052930662185857.post-20636757397543629162008-04-10T11:14:00.000-04:002008-04-10T11:53:15.597-04:00NINE FOLLIES!!!Great news! My ER went really well yesterday. The nurse told us to be there at 12:30PM. The appointment was really 1PM and the doctor didn't show up until 2PM. This lateness in my last cycle would have thrown me over the edge. This time, I was totally cool. <br /><br />The anesthesiologist took me in shortly after 1PM and started getting me ready. She could do everything but, start the drugs. We kept each other company by telling stories. It turns out my RE helped the OR nurse get pregnant. She is now 16 weeks. I believe she said it took three ivf's. I decided she was my good luck charm this cycle!<br /><br />I thank you all for your great words about my cycle and ho-bag former friend!!! As I was driving to work on Monday, I made the decision to remove her from my life. She was more than halfway out the door anyway. A long time ago, I had decided it was better to keep friends by working through hards issues than to lose them. As a teenager and into my 20's, I would often ditch people who stressed me. I really wanted to be mature and fair and keep friends around even if I couldn't trust them as I once did. We all need friends for different reasons, right?!!!!. <br /><br />Anyhow, this girl will be easy to let go. She only cares about herself and now she only has herself!!! <br /><br />Good-bye A, you're not worthy!!!Working Girlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03953758305075186128noreply@blogger.com9