BETA Day

Thank you for all of your great posts. Mr. G and I decided to go to Vermont the day after Christmas so I have been MIA. My sister K and her family live up there. We usually visit often but, this year has been hard. We had our IF treatments and my BIL has had cancer radiation treatments. He is finished now and feeling tremendously better. Hopefully it worked. He had prostate cancer over ten years ago. Apparently, during the removal there may have been some left behind and the cancer may have come back. It has been hard for my sister but, we helped each other cope.

Now I have alot of catching up to do. I want to know how everyone survived the holidays. I thought I did ok until yesterday. We went to my husband's aunt's birthday party. It was the first time in a very long time I had to sit with my eSIL and her babies. I have to say the kids are beautiful. But, oh how I hate that bitch. It tore me up inside to see her being the mom I want to be. I wish I could say she was overwhelmed by having two under 16 months but, not true. She seemed in control and very happy. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears from flowing. My husband wonders why I am so tired all the time. Grief is very hard on a gal. Then add a sprinkle of hormones and you get a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I cried my eyes out most of the night. When I look in the mirror all I can see is a bitter angry woman staring back at me. Who or what have I become??????

I haven't been like this the whole three and a half years of trying. Just the past few months. Right around the time I miscarried and started blogging. At my core, I am not the whiney sourpuss this blog exposes me for. I am just having a normal response to a horrible illness. (At least that's what my therapist says)!

In a few hours I will have my BETA checked. I wish I could say one way or the other how I feel. My doctor put me on evil progesterone and estrogen the night of my last post and has since doubled the dose. Of course, I have lots of pregnancy symptoms because of the progesterone. If I had to guess, I would say that I am not pregnant.

Last night, I told my husband that I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take the treatments. I cannot sit through a family dinner and feel shame that I cannot bear a child. I had hoped resolution meant having a baby through IVF. The surprise IUI screwed up my schedule. After all my crying and fits of anger, I realized it might be time to move on. I just don't know what that next step will be. I once thought I did but, my confidence is at an all time low. I am not sure I would pass a home study at this point. I think I just need some rest so I can make decisions with some clarity.

There is a very small part of me that hopes I will regret writing all of the above when I get a BFP later. I will know soon enough!!!!

5DPIUI

And, not a symptom in sight! I went for blood work today to check hormone levels. I will not return to the doctor until 12/31 for my BETA. I am contemplating waiting until 1/2/08, to avoid getting bad news over New Year's. I'll decide that morning. I am assuming I will know if I am pregnant anyway since I was pregnant several months ago.

I am just happy that my Christmas won't be spoiled. I will be able to get through the holiday by hoping there is life growing inside me. The one shining light this Christmas is that I will not be spending it with my eSIL and BIL. I am sooo relieved. I will, however, have to spend three consecutive Sundays with them immediately following including the Christening of their second child. I just can't believe she conceived so easily two times. I really would like to say that she doesn't deserve her good fortune but, that wouldn't be keeping in the holiday spirit. I'll just bite my tongue.

I use to love Christmas. And, maybe one day I will again. But for now -

BAH HUMBUG!!!

Transfer Completed

Yesterday, we completed our surprise IUI. Mr. G and I bombarded the doctor with questions about when we could do the next IVF. The doctor told us to give this a chance to work first. I said it probably wouldn't work and I didn't want to waste anymore time. He looked at my husband and said, "So much for being optimistic!" So I told him I was well aware that we only had a 10-14% chance with the IUI and at least we could be prepared for the next step. Hello...I was just being realistic!!!! There is a huge difference between pessimism and realism. The truth about ART is that it only helps a third of the people seeking a baby. My doctor has his family already and I am still seeking mine!!!

I have to say he wasn't being a jerk just very lighthearted. Several things happened during this IVF cycle that I didn't like which may have had zero impact on the results. The cycle could have gone perfectly and still resulted in an IUI. This is alot of crap so you may or may not what to read it all. I just need to vent!!!

I have a tendancy to be a perfectionist in certain aspects of my life. I expect people to do their jobs properly. When we met with the doctor in September he told us we could start a fresh or frozen cycle three weeks after day one of AF. I checked with my old notes and that was incorrect. I would start the pill a few days after AF arrives not three weeks. I called the head nurse on day one of my period to let her know the fresh cycle was begining. She called in the perscription for the pill and my cycle began. Ten days later we went to the office to sign the consent forms with the head nurse. She asks us if we are doing a fresh or frozen cycle. Well...if I am signing consent forms for IVF it must mean I am doing a fresh cycle! Then she tells us we may not make the cut off for the lab since it is closing at Xmas for cleaning. I remained calm while she made a call. I really don't know why she didn't have this information when I started the pill ten days earlier. So, the lab said it was ok if I got my period by 12/5. She had me stop the pill two days earlier than expected. I wasn't happy but, not yet concerned.

Then AF arrives again and I go for blood and sono. The head nurse calls later in the day with my protocol and she asks me again if I am doing a fresh or frozen cycle. I told her that she was told a few times including IRL that I was doing a fresh cycle. She told me the doctor was arguing with her that we were doing a frozen cycle. But, she already had me on the pill for 2 1/2 weeks for a fresh cycle!!! What's the confusion???!!!

I start stiming and was told to do my next sono on that Sunday. That was all I was told. In the waiting room I overheard another woman tell her husband, "I was suppose to go for blood yesterday." This puts me on alert since I wasn't told anything about bloodwork. Sure enough my doctor asked me if I went for blood the day before. I told him I wasn't told to do so. He said it wasn't a big deal. He then gave me instructions to add the Cetrotide shot two days later. I checked my notes from the other cycles and that was two days later then previously. My doctor said it had no effect but, I have to wonder since this cycle wasn't like the other two. So, yadda yadda yadda my cycle is converted to an IUI. We are told to meet the doctor at 9am yesterday and bring the specimen with us. I asked her if it was possible to do it at the office and she said no.

Yesterday, we see the doctor and he says do you have the specimen or do you need a room? Gee...I was told Mr. G couldn't do it here. The doctor said it wasn't a big deal. But, you see it was a big deal for me. I am dealing with male factor infertility so the less time the sperm spends outside the lab the better.

The doctor sends us off for breakfast for the next hour. When we are finally led into the room, I ask the head nurse to use the bathroom and she said, "No, didn't anyone tell you that you need to have a full bladder?" Ummm...if by anyone do you mean you?!!!! No, I wasn't told!!! "Oh, it won't make or break the cycle but, it is better if you wait to use the bathroom!" So she shuts the door so I can undress and I start freaking out with my husband. I mean seriously, there were far too many mistakes this cycle. Any yes, the results may have been the same but, I will not know. I do not expect a specialists office to make so many errors. I felt it was necessary to discuss these issues with the doctor. Mr. G however felt it wasn't the proper time. Of course, I should say that like most men Mr. G doesn't like to make waves.

I am not a drama queen. I just expect a certain level of professionalism from the doctor and his staff. After much arguing with hubby, I agreed not to discuss the problems with the doctor during the IUI. I did ask the doctor why he thought the cycle wasn't good. He said he often continues with the IVF in other patients and does have positive results. He just felt I could do better. I really do appreciate that but, I have to wonder if he was aware of all of the problems.

I told him and his nurse that since I will only being doing one more fresh cycle, I expect it to be done under the most ideal circumstances. They just laughed but, you can be sure I will not hold back the next time!!!

Phew...I just had to get this off my chest!!!!

The Verdict is in!

IUI it is! I just did not have enough mature follicles. Boo!!
There is no point in wasting my last insured cycle. It will take place on Sunday morning.

Oh well...I knew I was feeling too good!!!

Thanks for all your good comments!

Quick Update

I went for blood and sono this morning. I now have three follies on the right and four on the left. The leader on the right measures 1.87 cm and now there is one on the left that measures 1.60 cm. I will know much later today what it means for my cycle. Until then I will just keep hopin' and wishin'...

Potential Bad News

My cycle may be canceled. I have a lead follicle. If the others don't catch up by Thursday, the cycle will be canceled or converted to an IUI. It is just so frustrating. Oh well, I won't worry until Thursday!!!

I'm Still Standing...

better than I've ever been...!!!!

Hmmmm...I am feeling pretty damn good!!! This cycle is so different from my last cycle. The biggest difference between the two is the supplement DHEA. I am not taking it this cycle. I refused. My doctor suggests it for "poor responders" over a certain age. I just don't think I am a poor responder. During my first cycle, I produced eight eggs and seven fertilized. We tranferred five on day three. I did not get pregnant. It was the first time I had taken hormones (my IUI's were natural). I had 10 eggs on my second cycle and all ten fertiltized. Yes, I had more eggs but, I was also on the maximum amount of drugs my doctor prescribes. It made perfect sense that I would have more eggs the second cycle.

I also don't believe more is better. I want quality not quantity. I will find out soon enough how I am doing this time around. I had a sono yesterday and had two follies. I purposely did not ask the doctor any information about sizes. I would just obsess over my progress and there is absolutely nothing I can do except stick to my protocol. I will probably undergo retrieval the 17th or 18th. I am adding a shot of Cetrotide tomorrow morning and will do blood and sono. I don't expect anymore drug changes at this point.

I should explain the difference between my IVF #2 and #3. During my last cycle, I had a fuzzy brain at the end of the BCP portion which rolled right into seriously bad PMS. I hated everyone including hubby and wanted to walk up to strangers and just smack them in their heads for no reason. So not like me!!! Thankfully, I still had some clarity and kept my hands to myself. I am not talking about my usual bad couple of days around my period when I might snap at few people. This was really weird. I was very agressive and complusive. My heart was constantly racing and I had two major panic attacks.

This cycle I am walking around with little birds singing around my head. No one is annoying me. I went Christmas shopping yesterday with Mr. G and enjoyed myself. Of course, Mz. Bitter does pop into my head every now and then with her nasty little thoughts. But, WOW...I feel...somewhat...normal! Ahhhh...maybe I shouldn't be writing this!!! I don't want to jinx myself. But, although I am feeling really good, I do worry that nothing is happening down there. I mean this is IVF, I should feel like a bulldozer plowed over me. I am not suppose to feel good!!! Or, maybe I should...

IVF #2 taught me to not be a guinea pig. The DHEA study is very small and not proven. If you are going to take it make sure it is perscription grade. Doctors in other fields who prescribe it do so at smaller doses and monitor the effects it has on your body. DHEA is the mother of all hormones and will produce or tell your body to produce hormones such as estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. I am not a medical professional. I have no way of proving that DHEA caused any problems in my mind and body. BUT, intuitively I believe it did. I would never tell anyone to not take it. I could be talking out of my arse and maybe this is the answer to our infertile prayers!

With that being noted, if this one supplement makes or breaks my cycle then so be it! I will live with my decision.

The Journey So Far

Last cycle, at this time I was in the midst of a huge meltdown. I was ready to start stiming and had spent the night lying awake in sheer panic. The only thing that calmed me down was the decision to cancel the cycle and go to Paris. I was very depressed over IF and didn't want to get pregnant while feeling so negative. I immediately calmed down and was able to sleep for a few hours.

I woke Mr. G up early and told him the news. Up until that point, everything related to pregnancy and treatment was up to me. He is very easygoing and laid back (much like his sperm). Mr. G flat out told me "NO"!!! Ummm...excuse me? He said, "You are going to finish what you started"! Hey pod man, what did you do with my real husband???? You know the one that always agrees with me! Mr. G's belief was I was never going to be happy during a cycle so I would just have to plow through. Move forward. I wasn't getting any younger and it would only get harder. In the end I agreed but, I still needed to work through my anxiety.

I headed off to my weekly acupuncture appointment. I told the doctor that I was really nervous. Well, she must have thought I said "feeling bored and lethargic". OMG...when she was done my whole body was shaking. I planned to have dinner guests over that night. Thankfully, it was my Mom, ILs, Aunt, Uncle and cousins. Everyone knew we would be doing a cycle. I was freaking out but, I did not want to cancel the dinner.

As each guest arrived I told them that I was having alot of anxiety about starting the drugs and I may need to excuse myself to lay down. Everyone understood and the night went off without any problems.

Of course, I had one more major meltdown before the retrieval. I kept obsessing over being an anxious depressed pregnant woman. How could such a mess of a woman carry life inside her? What was I going to do??? The only thing that got me through was reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway'. It is so not related to IVF but, it helped me. And, of course the cycle did result in a BFP but, with an extra chromosome #22!!! Not good.

My journey to conceive began in July 2004, as soon as I got married. I started getting anxiety attacks about five months later. I thought for sure I would not have a problem. My Mom had five children and her mother had eight. No one in my immediate and extended families had fertility issues (that I knew of anyway).

We spent the next year with my gyn and discovered my husband's sperm issues. He underwent a varicocele surgery. We found out a couple of our friends had it and had no problem getting pregnant afterwards. Ok...so what happened to us? I did two rounds of Clomid with gyn and again found out about a few people who got pregnant on Clomid. Ok...so what happened to us? Off to the RE for two IUI's. Ah...this was finally going to be the answer to our prayers because it helped so and so and so and so. Ok...you know what happpened - nada.

Out of sheer disgust with a nasty RE we took a break in the summer and fall of 2006. Finally, through a co-worker of Mr. G's, we found a wonderful doctor in January 2007. What a dear dear man! He immediately said we should move right into IVF with ICSI. And, thus began the craziest 10 months of my life. The highs and lows were unlike anything I have ever experienced.

My life hasn't been easy but, I worked my way through. I moved forward. I was never anxious or mildly depressed. If I was feeling blue I would dance and sing my way out of it. I would meet up with a friend and laugh my ass off. And, now here I am stuck in this nightmare called IF. Sometimes, I feel like I am made of fragile glass that could shatter at any moment.

This will probably be my last IVF. I say probably because who knows what my body will tell me. (My mind left me last April so now I am on auto-pilot). When Mr. G and I started with these treatments we both agreed we needed an end point. We couldn't let it go on and on. I am too exhausted and damaged. I need rest. Our end point is three IVF's and any frozen transfers.

So here I am nearing the finale wondering where my baby is. I mean IVF was the answer - right?!!!

LET THE FUN BEGIN!!!

CD1 - shots begin tomorrow night!!!! My protocol is like the last one:

525 GonalF
3 powders of Menopur

I will work up to four powders at some point. My first sono will be on Sunday. This cycle is being fast tracked because the lab is closing at Xmas. I was suppose to stop the pill on 12/2 but, was pushed up to 11/30. Thankfully my body cooperated and AF arrived right on time. Otherwise, my cycle may have been canceled. The procedures should be the week of the 17th.

I guess I should get all my holiday shopping done this weekend because I will be a lunatic the following. These hormones make me crazy!!!

But Here's the Good Part...

I was able to spend two days with my favorite aunt who has cancer. She is my second mother. I am praying that she will be around for several more years but, she has a rare melenoma and is on her third tumor. My mom is ten years older than she and has been starting the show her age. She is extremely forgetful and has horrible arthritis. My mom hasn't been able to help me through this life crisis. But, my mom has never dealt well with hard issues. Her way of dealing is to pretend it isn't happening and hopefully it will just resolve itself. My aunt on the other hand heads straight into the fire. Consequently, people think my mother is the lovely one and my aunt the crazy one. My aunt has been the only family member that's gets me. Her crisis is different but, it illicits the same emotional response and requires the same coping techniques. She always asks me how I am and what's my next step. The day she found out about her third tumor was the day I miscarried. She was more concerned about me than herself. And, I was more concerned about her. That's what families do for each other. Or, that's what they are suppose to do for each other. I realize though that I can't expect people to handle more than they are capable of handling. Looking back over my life, I probably often ignored other peoples pain because I didn't get it for whatever reason. I am certainly a more compassionate person because of IF. Although, I wonder if I really needed to learn this lesson this way.

Not So Thankful Thanksgiving!!!

I had good times and bad times this holiday. By the end of Thanksgiving day, I figured out that the majority of my whole family knows I had a miscarriage. Of course, I told my immediate family and then some when it happened. I knew the news would travel by word of mouth. Do you think anyone would take the time to acknowledge my loss???? I am talking about aunts, uncles and cousins!!!! People who have known me all my life and see often. Do you think one of them could have said something kind to me??? It bothers me so much that people have such a difficult time acknowledging loss and suffering. Isn't that what life is about? We all experience it. Unfortunately, some more than others but, it all evens out in the end. For the brief period I was pregnant my telephone would not stop ringing. Everyone on both sides wanted to know how I was doing. They never called when I was infertile and they haven't called since my loss. I am feeling so angry and bitter. And, I am afraid that those feelings will not go away. I just can't control my emotions now. Of course, it has alot to do with my jealousy over my evil SIL's second birth. I have been avoiding lots of family dinners with my IL's because of all the babies. This year, Mr. G and I are to celebrate Xmas with them. I am praying that evil SIL is scheduled to be with her family this year. I can deal with my other SIL and her children. She experienced IF, IVF and miscarriage so she gets me. So far, I have been doing what I need to do for me but, it is creating tension in Mr. G's family. At Xmas, I expect to be in my TWW. That's a crazy time normally now add the baby tension. I keep expecting to awaken from this nightmare but, it is going on and on and on...

I'M AN AUNT...AGAIN:-(

Well, my evil SIL had her second baby last night. Her first was conceived right after her wedding and this one just a few months after the birth of the first. Some gals have all the luck. I hate her!!! I guess the annoucement of her third pregnancy will come any day now. Yes, I am very bitter. The only upside is she had another boy. She just knew she was having a girl. A "witch" told her so. No lie. Why ask the doctor when a "witch" will tell you?!

I would love to be happy for her but, she is sooo unpleasant and nasty. She had seen me the day before my micarriage and never congratulated me on my pregnancy. So, of course, she has never acknowledged the loss. It will be fun to sit back and watch her handle two babies. She and BIL have not been able to figure out how to handle the first one yet. It will be interesting but, really sad for Mr. G and me. My husband's family now has four babies under 4 years old from two siblings. All boys!

Anyway, I officially started my third IVF cycle. I am just in the BCP phase. Last night was my second night. I was very anxious and queasy and went to bed early. I am sure it is just my nerves. There is a big part of me that does not want to do this cycle. But, there is a bigger part of me that wants to be a mom. This is my only shot. After finding out we have MF and old eggs, Mr. G and I decided we would do three IVFs and any FETs. Of course, we could always do more IVFs but, I have to move past treatments at some point. I believe it is healthy to have an end point. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I have four on ice and hopefully a few more after this cycle.

Mr. G and I have looked into adoption and we will again. I would just need to rest a bit and mourn the loss of my genetic child. I was blindsided by IF and then miscarriage. I have never felt the depth of grief that I have this year. I have lost loved ones and felt saddness. But, I had memories and photos to help me through. What do I have to mourn the loss of my child???

I have to remind myself to live in the now. I can't go into this cycle worrying about failure. I have to deal with each day as it comes. I can't control the future. It will be what it will be. I always ask myself during a cycle - If you are sure it is going to fail, why be sooo nervous??????? Just get it over with!!!

SHEEEE'SSSS HEEERE!!!

AF has finally arrived! Woo-who!!! I get to start my third IVF - isn't that awesome?!?!?! I get to take hormones that make me a raging anxious bitch. I am just sooo happy. Good times!

I am waiting to hear from my RE to confirm my protocol. I expect to start the pill tonight for three weeks and then onto stims. Just in time for the holidays. I am so fearful of a BFN. But of course, if I get a BFP, it truly will be a great Xmas. Getting pregnant would be the greatest gift ever.

Unfortunately, I don't know if Santa really knows just how good I have been this year. I mean, hello...check your fucking list dude!!!! I deserve this!!!!

T's Wedding

My cousin looked gorgeous and the reception was awesome. It was very extravagant and over the top. I was sooo exhausted the next day and I had my women's group after work. I didn't think I would make it through the day but, I did.

One of the gals in the group accepted a donor last week. During her nearly six month wait she often wondered if she was taking the right route to resolve her IF. She was so happy to make her announcement and wished she had more people to tell. (Unfortunately, so many of us have very few people to talk to). We also said good-bye to two women. Both are pregnant for over 10 weeks. One through her fourth IVF and the other through ED. I really hope they are successful. We had to say good-bye because this is an IF group. It is sad but, they are in a different place now.

Anyway, back to my cousin. She looked so happy on her big day. She reminds me alot of myself. I couldn't help but pray that she does not have a problem getting pregnant. I would not wish IF on my worst enemy. But, if she has a problem at least I will be able to help her cope.

TGIF

Thank you ladies for your kind words and support. You are the reason I started this blog. :-)

I am soooo happy today is Friday. This weekend my cousin is getting married. I am very happy for her. Her previous boyfriends were duds and this one seems to be a keeper. They have planned a major shindig in New Jersey. The only down side is that it is Sunday night. Yikes - a school night!!! It is going to be hard keeping my eyes open past 10pm. Oh...and missing Desperate Housewives. I really feel like the show is setting up Teri Hatcher's character for a miscarriage. I mentioned that to my husband and he told me to stop watching.

Most of this year I have been having to filter what I watch, read or listen to. It actually started with 9/11 and then Katrina. You see, I am a very sensitive girl. The less I know the better, usually. There is the other side of me that needs to know everything especially about my infertility. I currently have seven books on my nightstand related to miscarriage. And, tons more on infertility and coping. I have a tote bag in my closet stuffed with information I have collected on adoption.

I am an involuntary expert. I did NOT have dreams of becoming a professional infertile as a little girl!!!

Aunt Flo's Plane is Late!

I have been waiting at the gate for her and she's late!!! Urrrgghhh. Last cycle, I decided I needed another month to rest before starting on my third and final ivf. And, now, my period is late!!! I can't catch a break. Not that I am looking forward to doing another ivf. I would rather 1000 needles in my eye if it would get me pregnant. Anyway, I am drowning my sorrows in cheap candy!!! Happy Halloween Y'all!!!

Big Girls Don't Cry

Unless they are infertile. Then they cry and cry and cry until they think they have no more tears to shed. And, then they cry some more. It has been ten weeks and two days since my D&C. It was Mr. G's and mine first pregancy after three years of trying, two iui's and two ivf's. The baby stopped developing sometime in the eighth week.

I recall the day clearly although I have finally stopped reliving it on a daily basis. I just continue to feel empty inside. I feel myself smiling and laughing again but, it is not with the same zest as before. I feel like I am wearing a mask. I lost 40lbs this year and people keep telling me how good I look. I find it funny because I feel so far from good. I am the complete opposite.

IF has literally sucked the life out of me. I am not completely hopeless right now. That was earlier this year when I failed my first ivf. I think it is terrible that dr's don't ween you off of progesterone when you get a BFN. Anyway, that darkness was brief and I was able to move onto my second procedure.

I am hoping this blog will bring me some peace and connection with others with similar experiences. IF is very isolating. I no longer relate to my friends with children or my single friends still looking for Mr. Right. I am in the in-between land trying to add a little one to my family and trying not to lose my mind during the journey!!!