NEXT STEP DECIDED!

We are taking a vacation!!!!! Mr. G and I will be headed down to New Orleans in February. It will be my first time. We will just miss Mardi Gras but, as my hubby explains, "it always a party in New Orleans"!

I was so devastated after my last failed attempt at getting pregnant. It was one part another failure, one part holiday blues and two parts hormones!!! My brain just reacts horribly when I stop the hormones. I am sooo expecting post-pardum depression when I finally give birth to my baby. IF sucks!!!

Mr. G was ready to roll right into another cycle. A week ago, I couldn't imagine doing another one ever. I was in so much pain. Not the physical kind, the emotional kind. I just didn't know if I would ever feel good again. And, here I am excited about my upcoming trip. I hate that I am delaying the resolution of my treatments because I could conceive on my next try. I just need a moment to feel sort of like my old self again. I need to feel as whole as I can right now. I NEED SOME FUN!!. Mr. G did not understand at first but, he could clearly tell I was hurting. So, Mr. Fix-It came to the rescue and planned us a trip.

Also, I have dug myself into a hole at work and need to pull myself out of it quick. It is so difficult to concentrate on anything except my fertility. Not a good place to be. I woke up in a sweat the other night worrying about everything I need to do to keep my job. The next six months are going to be insane. I really have to start focusing or I will risk getting reprimanded or fired. Thankfully, my boss has been so compassionate with my IF plight so far. (His BFF had suffered IF and eventually adopted from Russia). I would love to be able to quit work and focus on the last of my treatments. But, at the same time having a job to go to five days a week has helped me to stay sane.

Ya 'no, what's a working girl to do???!!!!!

BFN

Not surprising but, still devastating. I feel so wounded. My moods are swinging very widely. I am crushed one moment and then hopeful the next. Thus, the roller coaster effect of the illness. I am thankful that I have even the slightest bit of hope left.

I have to clear up something. My BETA day was yesterday the 31st. I typed my post in the very early morning hours of the same morning since I could not sleep. The post was incorrectly dated for the 30th. My husband found a Blogger book for me at the library yesterday so maybe I will at least know a little something about what I am doing. LOL.

Back to IF, I am not sure what the next step will be. I stopped the hormones yesterday so my head will start to clear up. It is always better to take a break before making a big decision. Yesterday while in a moment of despair, my hubbie did point out that we have options. I can use my frozen embies. I could do my last fresh cycle. Or, I can stop treatments completely.

While visiting my sister in VT the subject of me trying to get pregnant came up over dinner. My 11 year old adopted niece said, "why don't you just adopt"????? She told me I could do most of the process on the internet. She is such an great kid and so smart. I told her Mr. G and I are considering it and they we would be proud to love a girl just like her. She gave me a huge smile!!! So much to consider.

I read that a secret to being a happy person is to surround yourself with people who tell you you're happy. Sometimes we need to be reminded which is exactly why I started blogging. Most of my family and most of my friends do not understand what I am going through. They offer the well intentioned assvice of "just get over it", "stop obsessing", and the best line "just relax and it will happen"!!! We have all heard this nonsense many times.

I wish I had a positive outcome to share with all of you. I always like to hear of other women getting pregnant because it gives me great hope. It just isn't my time yet. I especially appreciated yodamistress and Lori who reminded me that I am not an angry bitter sourpuss after all!!!

I wish a happy and healthy journey to resolution to all infertiles for 2008!!!