ANGRY UTERUS

My uterus is pissed. She does not like being messed with at all.

The cramping began Wednesday night nice and calmly. Ad.vil worked until early this morning. Around 1:30 am, I needed to bring in the big guns - Controlled Substances!!! I made it through the night but, I hardly slept. I guess I am too much of a control freak for drugs like Vi.codin.

I just have to keep remembering this too shall pass.

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A couple of weeks ago when I was still pregnant, JulieS of Life After Infertility & Loss nominated me for the Pink Rose Award. She seemed to find my blog at precisely the right time. She understands the huge loss of a pregnancy regardless of how early it happens. Loss is loss.




I would like to pass this award to the following ladies:

Babe of A Long Winding Road - After her devastating 1st trimester loss of twins, she now has to say goodbye to her furbaby Sammie. I am a mother to my own furbaby who has helped me get through my own losses. My heart goes out to her and her husband.

Mrs. J of In Our Own Weird Way - After several miscarriages and a canceled IVF she is now weeks away from bringing home her Lil' Pumpkin from China. I admire her decision to walk away from IVF and find resolution through adoption.

The rules are as follows:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else

IT'S OVER

D&C completed yesterday. Thankfully, the hospital my RE is affiliated with has an ambulatory center. I did not have to see one pregnant woman!!! - Yahoo!!! I choose to have my GYN handle my first D&C because I have a better relationship with him. He is a people person and knows exactly what to say in a crisis. This time around I knew what to expect so I decided to give the RE a try. It went fine.

At first, I was pissed because he told us to get to the hospital at 10:30 am only to find out the appointment was at 12:30 with the procedure at 2:00. It turned out he had another surgery in the hospital's General OR that took longer than expected. He finally called the center at 11:30 to say he would be arriving by 12:30. There was another woman waiting before me that had a whole host of problems. Her surgery was expected to take 1.5 to 2.5 hours. Yikes...I was ready to run. There was no way I could sit there another 2 hours at least. I keep a cool head and let my doctor come to his own conclusion that the schedule didn't make sense. So I was bumped up. I felt horrible for the other woman because she had been there before me and waited longer for the doctor but, it would only delay her surgery by no more than 20 minutes. Phew...She was ok with that and I told her I was very sorry. I left recovery around 2:30 and she was still in the OR. That poor gal!!!

DH and I are doing fairly well. I won't say the second miscarriage is easier because I am probably still under the influence of drugs and pregnancy hormones. The nightmare is yet to come. My body and head don't like the hormone adjustment. I typically go to a very dark place that has no room for optimism or hope. But, I do pull through eventually. Hope does return. That bitch!!!

DH and I are trying to guess who will announce their pregnancy next. It never fails when I am either cycling or having a miscarriage we get a phone call from someone with their big news. We are definitely feeling the defeat of IF. I expect my old infertile friend that I posted about on April 7, 2008, to send me her birth announcement soon telling me how glorious motherhood is and that hopefully I will get the chance too. Whatever witch!!!

Mr. G and I have decided to take the summer off. We have my husband's best friend's wedding in late July. DH was asked to become a minister to officiate the ceremony. He felt very honored. The wedding will take place on Lake George with a lobster bake afterwards. Our friend rented a huge house on the lake for all of his close friends. Unfortunately, we cannot stay all week because of a work obligation I have which really sucks. So Mr. G and I decided to take a luxury vacation in August. We are looking into Paris right now but, the dollar sucks so bad. It probably won't hold us back but, we started pricing the airfare and hotel and we are at $4,500. I have no problem paying money for a nice hotel but, I resent the cost of airfare. It is so much money but, we are still shopping around. We both need a major break from all that has happened to us.

I think by September, I will be ready to start a FET. I am not looking forward to Lu.pr.on injections. I have never been on it and I hear such terrible stories. My RE says it isn't so bad because usually he will add estrogen and progesterone after seven days. But, he has never taken it personally so what does he know. I also worry that it will just result in another miscarriage. I am hoping we find the one good egg or it ends in a BFN. I don't want the in between.

I am done with being a little pregnant.

NO HEARTBEAT

Our ultra sound on Friday confirmed that the little one is gone. No spotting. No cramping. Just a motionless spot on the screen. We have a D&C scheduled for this Tuesday. It sucks that this had to happen before a holiday weekend. I just want it over with. We had no warning with our first miscarriage. We found out on a Monday and by Wednesday the procedure was done. In a small way we were lucky. There weren't any births occurring that night while were at the hospital. I didn't even see a pregnant woman walking around the halls. I was the only person in recovery.

What are the chances I will have that good fortune again? It is very devastating to make a woman go to labor and delivery to have her baby sucked out of her. I considered for a very brief moment of just letting the pregnancy pass naturally. But, then I came to my senses! I have been through enough. This time around I found out it is easier finding out the baby is gone rather than the baby is going. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long. I know there are women out there with worse stories. Some woman aren't even offered the choice of a D&C. Lucky me!

I went to work on Thursday and Friday just to keep myself distracted. My husband couldn't take off and I did not want to be home alone. I am close to a few of my co-workers and they offered me their shoulders to cry on. My boss was choking back the tears and told me to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. He has been aware of every procedure we have done in the past year. He also lets me leave early every other Monday to attend my infertility support group. He doesn't let anyone leave early. My co-worker Sean sent me a beautiful arrangement of roses, hydrangeas and calla lilies. I greatly appreciate any acknowledgement of our loss. Most people don't understand how significant this is for us.

Thankfully, I have this blog and all of you to support me through this awful time. I want to give a special thanks to JulieS of Life after Infertility & Loss of for awarding the Pink Rose to me. She definitely understands the sad place I am in right now. I promise Julie I will be back to regular blogging and will post a proper thank you very soon. (Note: I am a bit of a tech-tard and really have to work out the cut/paste, links etc).

DH and I chose to enjoy this beautiful weekend despite the sadness. The weather in NYC is gorgeous. On Friday night, we took the dog to the beach that is two blocks from our house to watch the sunset. Saturday night we went to the Jersey shore for a delicious seafood dinner. DH had lazy lobster over asparagus risotto and I had pan seared grouper over forbidden rice and roasted fennel. We took a stroll along the ocean afterwards. Yesterday, we chose to not go to a family party and instead we headed to the Botanical Garden in the Bronx. It was just lovely. We really appreciated the good time.

Next weekend, I will be curled up in a ball dealing with the intense cramping I get after the procedure. Pass the Vic.odin please!!! I am too frail right now to deal with any physical pain. And, I will need all my energy to deal with the emotional pain that has yet to hit me.

IT'S ALMOST OVER

Those were not my doctor's exact words but, that is what we are facing right now. The little one failed to grow in the past week. We still have a faint heartbeat and will have another scan tomorrow. DH and I have to wait until the heart ceases in order to move forward with the D&C.

My nightmare continues. I will write more later in between the tears!!!

We Got the Beat!!!

Everybody get on your feet!!!

We haven't heard it yet but, it was there in the normal range. Whoo-hoo!!!

Phew...DH and I had no idea what to expect when we arrived at the RE's office. We were so relieved to see the flutter on the screen. I just want to wake up tomorrow and have the next five weeks past!!! My doctor wants me to switch to oral progesterone and I told him I wasn't ready yet! I remember when I dreaded those nasty butt shots and now I can't let go. I have about four days of oil left so I am going to finish it off. In my last pregnancy, I got to the point where I thought the progesterone was the only reason I was still pregnant. On one hand, I am afraid to truly embrace this pregancy because it may end at any moment but, on the other hand I want to scream it from the mountain top!!!

I have more to say but, work is kicking my ass today!

6 Weeks and One Day

We went for our first ultrasound yesterday. We have a pregnancy! Unfortunately, we do not have a heartbeat...yet. As the nurse prepped us, she told us not to expect to hear one. There would be a small chance that we would but, that it was still early. The doctor made the same statement when he started the exam. I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time. My husband and I were sick with worry.

I heard the doctor turn on the doppler and did not hear the recognizable swoosh swoosh of the heartbeat. I was so sad but, the doctor told me so far so good. The nurse told DH and I it was time to breathe again. I have a couple of large fibroids and he explained that the tissue reflects the sound of the u/s making it difficult to hear anything else. After he said this I remembered we had the same problem the last time. As my RE left the room, he told me that he did expect to hear a heartbeat next week.

Uh...ok...I'll get right on that sir!!!

Nothing New

I haven't been blogging because I can't think of anything except my ultrasound this Wednesday. With my first pregnancy, I was very cocky at this point and told so many people that I was pregnant. This time around, I don't even believe I am pregnant. I am afraid to say or write about what I am feeling or not feeling. I don't want to jinx myself and I am not even supersitious!!!

I really appreciate all of your kind comments!!! Bloggers are keeping me sane!!!

OMG...

Today's BETA is 911 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't believe it!! I will have my first ultrasound next Wednesday, May 7th. I am still praying that there is a sac with a yolk implanted in a good place!!!!