BAD CELLS

Bad Bad Bad Cells. Very Naughty Cells.

Last December, I completed the second of two consecutive FETs. Both failed. My TTC journey ended with that last low BETA.

For all of 2009, my menstrual cycles have been consistently irregular. Each period would last 15 to 20 days and consisted mostly of clots and light spotting. I don't recall how may days in between each cycle but enough to feel normal. As each period passed, I waited for my body to right itself. Up until this year I was always regular.

In September, I went to my favorite gyn and found out my lining was 6x the normal size. We scheduled a D&C for early October. Nothing to stress about right? I have been through worse. I expected my cycles to go back to normal and would have no need to see my gyn again for at least six months. I was completely unprepared for the news I received three weeks ago.

I have pre-cancer cells in my uterus. More specifically, Complex Hyperplasia without Atypia. The last part, without atypia, is very important.

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER. In fact, I have a very small chance of getting uterine cancer. There is alot of time between pre-cancer and cancer when it comes to the lining of the uterus. I will be on a synthetic progesterone for the next three months to prevent the lining from growing. I will have have another sono the end of January and I think another D&C. (I stopped listening to my doctor at some point and thought more about how I got to this crappy point in life).

All of the above I can deal with reasonably. It's the next part that has me in a panic.

If I do not respond to the meds my doctor wants to do a hysterectomy. It was at that point that the tears started flowing down my cheeks. The loss of my uterus would put the final nail in my TTC coffin. Do I think I could get pregnant at 43? No, I do not. But a part of me needs to believe that I could. That small bit of maybe is what I am using to get through my adoption wait. I just wanted to be a mother. That's all I ever wanted to be. It is hard to imagine that I haven't lost enough already. That the universe needs more from me. And, I am so tired of the fight. I am so tired of being the sick one. I was always the strong, stable one that everyone could count on. Now I am an emotional basket case.

I often wish I could be that strong woman again. I have to remind myself that one day the universe will pay me back. One day, I will be holding the baby that I was meant to parent.

For now, I pray the drug treatment will work and I am shopping around for a second opinion. I love my doctor, but I think he is taking the easy way out. I want a doctor that will be willing to fight for my last bit of womanhood. Even if it is only for my own mental health and well being.

Taking Care of Baby

DH and I took a drive to NJ this weekend to attend a Baby Care class. It was given by the leader of our adoption support group.

The best thing about it was no pregnant bellies! This class is only open to people pursuing adoption. Awesome. It was only 2.5 hours long but, chock full of good parenting tips such as Must Haves for nursery, how to clean the umbilical cord, picking a pediatrician, diapering, swaddling etc. We practiced on baby dolls. DH and I got a pretty decent looking baby. Some looked more like toddlers and there was one that look liked Chu.ckie.

We had quite a few laughs and learned alot. It was a good way to pass the time because this waiting sure does suck!

Forever in my Heart

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Tonight I will open the small box I decorated with sparkly butterflies and remember my son and daughter. I keep in this box all of my embryos pictures, sonograms, hospital bracelets and pathology reports from my two pregnancies.

I will read the letters I wrote to each baby telling them how proud I was to carry them in my womb even though it was only for 9 and 8 weeks. I will remember all of the hope DH and I had for our family.

Dearest little ones, you will live forever in my heart!

Cruising

No, I haven't been trolling bars for a new man! DH and I are off on a cruise vacation this Saturday. (Of course, Hurricane Bill is blowing into the area). We are headed to New England and Canada from NYC. We planned for it in May and can't believe it's time to leave already.

It will be my first trip under the Verrazano Narrows bridge (VNB). I cross over it everyday to and from work. The views are stunning. It is the largest suspension bridge in the US and 8th in the world. On a clear day I can see Brooklyn, Queens, Manhanttan and parts of New Jersey. This is the bridge that the guys in Saturday Night Fever jumped off to give Annette heart failure. I know the movie is a very old reference but, hey...I almost 43!!! This movie was a big deal when I was 11. ( I am sure I wasn't allowed to see it in the movies. I probably saw it on my cousins cable box - the one with only one channel. My aunt and uncle were never home and we always watched the R rated movies).

This was also the bridge I crossed the morning of 9/11. I remember the trip perfectly. It was the most insanely beautiful day. The sun was shining and the sky was a stunning blue. As we crossed over the highest point, I could clearly see the city skyline. As I was thinking how much I love living in NYC, I was blissfully unaware of what was going to happen in less then 45 minutes. Thankfully, I was safely in my office many blocks north of ground zero but very very scared.

Here is a picture if the bridge looking toward the island I call home. I live on the bay along the left side of the picture (but not anywhere near the bridge):



Here it is at night:



However, as much as I love the VNB, I would never do this:



A tramp stamp...of a bridge...WTF was he thinking!!!

Anway, back to my vacation. The ship will hopefully make the following stops - Newport, RI where we will walk along the Cliff Walk, take a tour of Breakers, have lunch at the best burger place in town and spend the rest of the day checking out the city. Next, off to Boston for whale watching and more good eats, then to Bar Harbor for more whale watching, Acadia National Park and lobster rolls!!! I didn't get enough lobster while in Maine last month so I need more!!! Then off to St. John's and Halifax. DH set up some tours there too but, I have no idea what. He handles the booking of most of our vacations. One tour involves a hike through some waterside caves which gave me a reason to buy these land/water shoes:



However, everything could change based on Bills's path. That's ok, I'm up for the adventure!!!

06.29.09

The title of this post is the date Mr. G and I officially became waiting parents with our agency! I am so excited to finally be paper pregnant!!!

My family and friends, those that know, keep asking when I will be matched. I just keep answering Christmas 2010. I pray it is sooner but, it is completely out of my control. I should be use to that state of mind by now, but I am not.

Our agency uses a post card system to notify you when your profile is shown. We received our first card on July 6th. It was for a woman that was in her 8th month. I was so excited and nervous. I kept thinking about all the work that needed to be done at home and in the office. When I calmed down a bit I realized the gal probably made her decision before I even received the card in the mail. Of course, there is a possibility we could still get the call but, I won't hold my breath.

We went to our adoption support group yesterday. I just love this group. We did have a couple in the group for a few months that were not supportive at all. I guess the leader thought so too and they were asked to find another group. The remaining four couples including DH and me get along very well. We have always liked this one particular couple who have been waiting the longest - 15 months. They finally have a match. I am so excited for them and so hopeful for my own future.

It started feeling more real when we were talking about their situation and how to handle it going forward. There has been nothing leading up to this point that has taught me how to deal with birth families, social workers, agencies, lawyers, hospital staff etc. Scary!!!

Thankfully, my group and the blog community will help me!!!

I just pulled the invisible seat belt on my lap tighter. I first buckled up when staring IVF #2. I told my husband it was going to be a very bumpy ride. And, two plus years later the bumps have only gotten worse. Only this time I can see the end of the road more clearly.

Moving Forward

Decision made.

Domestic newborn open adoption it is!

I am excited and terrified all at once.

I choose adoption over donor eggs mostly because my family is very open to adoption already. My niece K was placed in my sister's arms 12 years ago in a semi-open adoption. I will only have to minimally educate my family and friends about the process of open adoption. I had alot of unresolved issues with DE and I am giving myself the option to explore it again once I become a mom.

Mr. G and I have been very busy since our final ART cycle. We interviewed several agencies, joined a support group, signed with an agency and completed our home visits. We received a draft of our home study yesterday. Our SW wrote very lovely things about us. Things that I had forgotten about during the fog of IF and ART.

And now, for the first time in my life , I can confidently say - I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!!!!

WHOO-HOO!!!