And Sheeeeee's Off!!!

I am leaving tomorrow for New Orleans for the rest of the week. I am really looking forward to pretending to not be infertile for alittle while. I really want to brigde the small gap between Mr. G and me. All is well but, it is sometimes hard to stay close to my hubby when my brain is overwhelmed with thoughts about IF.

My desk at work is a mess and it is going to stay that way. This is so not like me. I usually kick into high gear a week or so before a trip to avoid any issues popping up for my boss or co-workers. I just can't concentrate the way I use to. I was stressed about this earlier this week and right now I don't care. I'll be back to handle whatever mess occurs. My desk could be perfect and my boss would still find a problem to bitch about. So...fuck it!!!!

Oh yeah...My Uterus...

The test went well last Thursday. My fibroid near my cervix is dying. Thankfully, it never was a problem anyway. It just likes to give me a ton of pain. The test wasn't horrible but, I had pelvic spasms for two days afterwards.

I have the all clear to start another fresh cycle with my next period. I told the doctor on his way out of the exam room that I better not fall through the cracks this cycle. He is great. I just think his head nurse is overwhelmed and could use some help. I learned in my last cycle that I need to manage my care and not leave it up to the professionals.

My co-worker, A, received a positive BETA on friday. It was her fifth cycle and long deserved. I was very happy for her and a bit sad for me. When I told my hubbie, he became more hopeful for us. He said if A could succeed after the hell she went through than we could too. I wish I could have his optimism! I keep telling him that as long as he remains positive, I have no choice but to be negative. You know, ying/yang, the balance of life.

My shoulders are tired of carrying the reality of our situation. But, I am working on being more positive. I really am. I tried to go back to acupuncture this weekend. It turns out my Dr. was away in China. Now I am going away this weekend for a week. As soon as I get back to NYC, I will start again. It will be just in time for my next cycle.

I seem to be running out of coping techniques. Thank god for this blogging community.

I've Been Tagged!!!

Lori at Weebles Wobblog and Melanie at The Baby Chase tagged me. It's my first time!!! I'm a virgin all over again.

Anyway, here are the rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I was fearing the day I would be tagged for several reasons. A. I am not interesting. B. I had no idea how to link other peoples blogs within a post (thanks Mr. G for helping) turns out to be pretty easy. C. I don't know enough people to tag!!! Gulp...

2. I have a degree in Interior Design and work for a chic designer in NYC. I just can't seem to decorate my own house. I have lived here nearly four years and my walls and floors are bare. I painted my LR/DR walls four times before finally making the right choice. Paint ain't cheap!!!

3. I am a bit of a pack rat/hoarder. I love to hang onto things on the off chance I might need them one day. If I don't have a proper storage spot for something, I jam it into a drawer or closet. I cannot properly hang up coats in my front hall closet because of all the crap. Every room has more than one junk drawer but, I am not embarrassed by this. I love finding little treasures hidden all over the place.

4. I love to eat candies like M&M's and Skittles in color groups. I sort through the bag first and eat the majority first.

5. I cannot cook. I don't even have one signature dish like pasta. If dinner is left up to me, I order in or serve cereal. I love breakfast at dinner time!!! Thankfully, Mr. G is an amazing cook and hasn't grown tired of the daily chore. He even does all the grocery shopping. The only shopping left up to me is the paper goods and cleaning supplies. He has no interest in housekeeping. But, hey no one is perfect.

6. Only a handful of people know this about me, and not necessarily my closest family or friends - I love the soap opera General Hospital. I having been watching it since my pre-teens years and make sure I record it daily to watch at night. Cheesy I know. Sometimes, I even can't stand myself and tune out but, I always go back and find that I haven't missed very much.

So, I hope you gals don't mind me tagging you - Freyjia at We Are What We Repeatedly Do, Swim at The Long Challenging Road, and Cindy Nguyen at Baby in the Making (we Hope)!

Test Day Tomorrow!!!

I have my something something sonogram tomorrow. I have such a hard time remembering the name and how to pronounce it. Yes, Baby Chaser, the kind that requires a saline filled balloon up the hoo-hoo. Good times! It's great to know another woman will be subjected to the same torturous procedure at almost the same time as me.

So, here's to all the Stirrup Queens tomorrow with their legs in the air!!!
We should all queefed at the same time!!!

I am taking the day off to get myself all pretty!!! Wink wink!!!

New Orleans, Here I Come!!!

Only 12 more days to go till I leave for NO. I am really excited about this trip. I haven't been away since August 2006. Yes, that's correct 2006. In 2007, Mr. G and I went on a few weekend trips but, our big vacation was canceled since I had a miscarriage on day one. Thankfully, I was still in NY when it happenend.

I certainly have issues with putting my life on hold while dealing with treatments. I should have found a new job, gone on more vacations, purchased more clothes, fixed the house, gone out with friends more, gone out with family more - yadda yadda yadda. You know the deal. We all do this at some point during our IF. I am hoping this vacation will jump start a new attitude.

I have been feeling very grumpy lately all related to IF. I haven't been posting because not a thing is going on in my life right now. My therapist said I need a hobby or two to keep me busy. I just can't figure out what to do. I tried taking a knitting class but, it was canceled. I dusted off the treadmill and haven't looked at it since. Work is insanely busy but, offers no challenges. Par-umpf!!! That's why I desperately need this trip. It will help keep me afloat! Cause baby I am drowning!!!

A dear friend of mine, E, had a stillbirth a few weeks before my miscarriage. It was devastating. She lost twins at 21.5 weeks. Six weeks after, E found out she required a D&C. During the procedure her uterus was preforated. All was ok so E moved onto a FET in December which failed. Her doctor thought she had scar tissue from the D&C. So, she underwent surgery to remove it all. This got me worried about my own D&C. I don't want to do my last insured fresh cycle only to find out scar tissue prevented implantation. So, this week I am off to RE to do a hysterosonogram (HSN).

I had two before so I know what to expect. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that nothing will be found. I know I have two fibroids that did not pose a problem previously. I just hope they have grown into the size of grapefruits. My hope is that all is well and I can move onto IVF #3 in March.

Oh the joy!!!! I can't wait to down a few Hurricanes!!!!!

NEXT STEP DECIDED!

We are taking a vacation!!!!! Mr. G and I will be headed down to New Orleans in February. It will be my first time. We will just miss Mardi Gras but, as my hubby explains, "it always a party in New Orleans"!

I was so devastated after my last failed attempt at getting pregnant. It was one part another failure, one part holiday blues and two parts hormones!!! My brain just reacts horribly when I stop the hormones. I am sooo expecting post-pardum depression when I finally give birth to my baby. IF sucks!!!

Mr. G was ready to roll right into another cycle. A week ago, I couldn't imagine doing another one ever. I was in so much pain. Not the physical kind, the emotional kind. I just didn't know if I would ever feel good again. And, here I am excited about my upcoming trip. I hate that I am delaying the resolution of my treatments because I could conceive on my next try. I just need a moment to feel sort of like my old self again. I need to feel as whole as I can right now. I NEED SOME FUN!!. Mr. G did not understand at first but, he could clearly tell I was hurting. So, Mr. Fix-It came to the rescue and planned us a trip.

Also, I have dug myself into a hole at work and need to pull myself out of it quick. It is so difficult to concentrate on anything except my fertility. Not a good place to be. I woke up in a sweat the other night worrying about everything I need to do to keep my job. The next six months are going to be insane. I really have to start focusing or I will risk getting reprimanded or fired. Thankfully, my boss has been so compassionate with my IF plight so far. (His BFF had suffered IF and eventually adopted from Russia). I would love to be able to quit work and focus on the last of my treatments. But, at the same time having a job to go to five days a week has helped me to stay sane.

Ya 'no, what's a working girl to do???!!!!!

BFN

Not surprising but, still devastating. I feel so wounded. My moods are swinging very widely. I am crushed one moment and then hopeful the next. Thus, the roller coaster effect of the illness. I am thankful that I have even the slightest bit of hope left.

I have to clear up something. My BETA day was yesterday the 31st. I typed my post in the very early morning hours of the same morning since I could not sleep. The post was incorrectly dated for the 30th. My husband found a Blogger book for me at the library yesterday so maybe I will at least know a little something about what I am doing. LOL.

Back to IF, I am not sure what the next step will be. I stopped the hormones yesterday so my head will start to clear up. It is always better to take a break before making a big decision. Yesterday while in a moment of despair, my hubbie did point out that we have options. I can use my frozen embies. I could do my last fresh cycle. Or, I can stop treatments completely.

While visiting my sister in VT the subject of me trying to get pregnant came up over dinner. My 11 year old adopted niece said, "why don't you just adopt"????? She told me I could do most of the process on the internet. She is such an great kid and so smart. I told her Mr. G and I are considering it and they we would be proud to love a girl just like her. She gave me a huge smile!!! So much to consider.

I read that a secret to being a happy person is to surround yourself with people who tell you you're happy. Sometimes we need to be reminded which is exactly why I started blogging. Most of my family and most of my friends do not understand what I am going through. They offer the well intentioned assvice of "just get over it", "stop obsessing", and the best line "just relax and it will happen"!!! We have all heard this nonsense many times.

I wish I had a positive outcome to share with all of you. I always like to hear of other women getting pregnant because it gives me great hope. It just isn't my time yet. I especially appreciated yodamistress and Lori who reminded me that I am not an angry bitter sourpuss after all!!!

I wish a happy and healthy journey to resolution to all infertiles for 2008!!!