Tis' the Season

The day after Thanksgiving, Mr. G and I received our first Christmas card. It was from my husband's former co-worker T. She is the gal that hooked us up with our current RE. The only doctor to ever give us a real chance to try for a baby. She got pregnant a few weeks after me last year. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage.

At first, I was very excited to receive the card. T is really a great person and her baby is absolutely gorgeous. I was looking in awe at this little baby that she and her husband created. Suddenly, an intense sadness flowed through my body. I will never be able to look at a baby and see my genetics. Why? And, why T and not me? We both endured the same grueling procedure. Why was I the unlucky one?

Later that night, I ran to the supermarket to pick up a few things and grabbed a cheesy tabloid on my way out. One of the first spreads was of Brook.e Sheil.ds and her two beautiful daughters. Again, I found myself devastated that I will never have children that share my genetics. I will never be able to look into a cubby cherub and see myself. Again, why her and not me? Why is she better than me?
Shame instantly followed.

I have failed as a woman. My body is useless.

I felt like crap for two whole days walking around angry and bitter and snapping at people who dared to cross my path. I felt so badly that I Goog.led 'angry bitter infertile' and actually found a wonderful worksheet put out by Resolve about coping with infertility. It was mostly about how family and friends can help. In the past, I have tried educating those around me about IF. It was a useless effort. Everyone treads lightly around me. No one takes a moment to say "are you really ok?". Even my Mom. I guess they are afraid I might really answer them.

BTW - My emotions are totally fueled by the progesterone and estrogen I am taking after completing my final ART procedure last week. My RE thawed my last four blasts and all were transfered. Here I wait to see if this time might finally be my time. I am doubtful but, I am only admitting that here. To anyone else that knows about my transfer I am the picture of positivity!!! Because you know that positive thoughts will get any gal pregnant. Right.

This holiday season I am sending out a photo card for the first time. While in Alaska, Mr. G and I took a picure in front of the Hubbar.d Glacier. Well, truth be told, we took a ton of pictures in front of the glacier praying that one would be nice enough to grace a card. Thankfully one did. Cran.es has some pretty digital image cards. It came out really well and I can't wait to send it to our friends and family. I figure if I have to endure looking at other people's kids I might as well let them see what life looks like without children!

Feelin' Good

From the words sung by the late great Nina Simone...

It's a new dawn,

It's a new day,

It's a new life for me...

And, I'm feelin' good!!!

Congratualtions to our President Elect Barak Obamba

FET #1

So over a month ago, the day before my 42nd birthday, my RE transfered four thawed embryos into my uterus. It was the four from my IVF #3 in May. My RE and embryologist both agreed these four were better than the four I have from IVF #2.

After I miscarried last summer, my RE encouraged me to hold these embryos and do IVF #3. At the time, he felt I should hold the embryos in case I wanted a sibling for the baby I was for sure going to have after another fresh cycle. Well, we know how IVF #3 turned out. And, here I am down to my last four embryos. Happy Eff'ing Birthday.

My first BETA after FET #1 came back at 6.7. It was heartbreaking. Thankfully, it just went down from there so the end was swift. This was the first cycle I ever POAS so it wasn't surprising. I just wished it were my time. I just wished my story was "gee...all my tests were negative but, it worked anyway...haha...ain't life grand". Not this time sweetie. You must suffer longer.

Today, I started my Lu.pron injections for FET #2. I had been holding off for many months doing any offical grief work until now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. My therapist thinks it's time. She says I need a new plan before this cycle is over.

My GYN wants me to see a different doctor that uses PGD. I am very torn. Technically, IVF worked for me twice. I just had bad eggs. I would love my own genetic child but, I just can't put myself through anymore trauma. I am guessing if I see a new RE, I would have to emotionally commit to at least two cycles. I don't think I can do that. Even with PGD it is just a chance at pregnancy. I never was a gambler so why am I torturing myself. The odds are against me.

Two weeks ago, my therapist left me with a question to ponder...

How much loss can you bear?

It gave me alot to think about.

High and Lows

Summer started terribly with my second miscarriage over Memorial Day weekend. Mr. G and I then headed up to VT to spend July 4th with my sister K and her family. We all get along fabulously despite a huge age difference between us and her hubbie. Oh...and he is alot wealthier than us too. Our chemistry works and we all had a really nice long weekend together. My sister's kids are really cool.

On the job front, I was finally able to stop obsessing over personal problems and get some work done. I had been busy with a project for the past year and a half and it was finally coming to an end. One of my teammates was a new guy that had been really f'ing up the entire time. It was very stressful. Really awful actually. However, the job ended beautifully and the clients were as happy as can be.

Later in July, Mr. G and I headed up to Lake George, NY for our friends G&A's wedding. They had asked Mr. G to become a non-denominational minister to perform the ceremony. G&A rented a stunning Victorian house on the lake that slept 25 and a boat for us to sail around. Their hope was that we would all spend the week with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave about three hours after the wedding to catch a train in Albany to be at work to complete the project mentioned above. There were still drunk ass guests sitting on the porch at 3am when I left. I was so jealous. I just wanted to stay with Mr. G and our friends and enjoy the good time. It wasn't fair but, I have a responsibility to my job. This damn friggin' job that I thought I would have left by now to raise my child. Anyway, it was great to be away at an event were children were not the center of attention. Our few friends with kids were so happy to be away that none of them wanted to talk about their lives. Mr. G and I felt normal. It was sooo pleasant.

In the meantime, my co-worker A who was pregnant after 5+ years of infertility gave birth at 24 weeks. She suffered placenta abruption and required an emergency c-section. Little D weighed less than a pound but, was a fighter. Every day, and every week was a milestone. At first, her parents were so distraught not knowing how to care for such a little girl in such distress. I remember the day it finally hit A that she was a mom and was going to do whatever she needed to do to make sure her daughter had a great life. Two days later, after four weeks on this earth, little D passed away. My co-worker and her husband were and still are devastated. Each day is a struggle. I cried so hard when I heard the news. I just wanted A to be finally happy. Now she has to deal with an even more devastating loss than IF. I remember two times during her pregnancy when I felt that jealousy burning in me by seeing her. Both times I had to remind myself that she deserved to be happily pregnant. I always supported her throughout and have since. She had a memorial service at her church and Mr. G insisted he go with me. It is just so heartbreaking.

Mr. G and I finally made it to our Alaskan cruise. The land and wildlife are breathtaking. I made sure I enjoyed every single moment. At one point, while hanging off the back of a catamaran after seeing about 15 humpback whales in the water around Juneau I realized how lucky I was. I may not have a child yet but, I will one way or the other. I have a great husband and together we can afford these amazing adventures. IF can really tear apart every aspect of your life. At some point, you go through a phase were you can't find happiness anywhere. You are miserable at home so you go to work and find that you are no longer satisfied there either. You lose touch with family and friends because they don't get you anymore. IF is so debilitating. This trip was exactly what I needed. Here are some photo's.





The last photo is a humpback whale feeding on something near the surface of water.

This and That

Phew...it has been a long time because honestly, I have had nothing to say. To anyone. I have just been internalizing all that has happened to me. The miscarriage is over and I managed the pain well. Self-protection is the phrase of the day!!!

**********

One of my co-workers has resigned to pursue fertility treatments. I am slightly envious. I have wished many times over the past year to be able to stop work and stay in bed all day. Especially, the weeks after a loss. But, I have to say that there were just as many times that I couldn't be home alone and going to work was a godsend.

**********

DH and I booked a cruise to Alaska for August. Originally, we wanted to go to Paris. I have been there already and just couldn't see spending a ton of money on a place I have been to. Maybe next year when the economy is better. Neither of us have been to Alaska and we can't wait. DH has wanted to go since he was little and has already book our excursions. We will be cruising the glaciers and whale watching. We are both wrecked emotionally and need a major break.

**********

I just read An Empty Lap by Jill Smolowe. She is a journalist that adopted a daughter from China after infertility in the late 90's. I loved it and finished it in nearly a day. She was very honest about her depression and marital problems. Her husband was a very reluctant spouse. Ms. Smolowe's writing style was similar to Peggy Orenstein in Waiting for Daisy.

**********
We had our follow up visit with the RE. This miscarriage was also chromosomal - Trisomy 4. He knows of no live birth with this abnormality. We discussed our next step which is FET. The RE also mentioned...wait for it...

donor egg!

Gasp...gasp...sigh...sigh.

I will post more details later!

ANGRY UTERUS

My uterus is pissed. She does not like being messed with at all.

The cramping began Wednesday night nice and calmly. Ad.vil worked until early this morning. Around 1:30 am, I needed to bring in the big guns - Controlled Substances!!! I made it through the night but, I hardly slept. I guess I am too much of a control freak for drugs like Vi.codin.

I just have to keep remembering this too shall pass.

*******************************************************************

A couple of weeks ago when I was still pregnant, JulieS of Life After Infertility & Loss nominated me for the Pink Rose Award. She seemed to find my blog at precisely the right time. She understands the huge loss of a pregnancy regardless of how early it happens. Loss is loss.




I would like to pass this award to the following ladies:

Babe of A Long Winding Road - After her devastating 1st trimester loss of twins, she now has to say goodbye to her furbaby Sammie. I am a mother to my own furbaby who has helped me get through my own losses. My heart goes out to her and her husband.

Mrs. J of In Our Own Weird Way - After several miscarriages and a canceled IVF she is now weeks away from bringing home her Lil' Pumpkin from China. I admire her decision to walk away from IVF and find resolution through adoption.

The rules are as follows:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else

IT'S OVER

D&C completed yesterday. Thankfully, the hospital my RE is affiliated with has an ambulatory center. I did not have to see one pregnant woman!!! - Yahoo!!! I choose to have my GYN handle my first D&C because I have a better relationship with him. He is a people person and knows exactly what to say in a crisis. This time around I knew what to expect so I decided to give the RE a try. It went fine.

At first, I was pissed because he told us to get to the hospital at 10:30 am only to find out the appointment was at 12:30 with the procedure at 2:00. It turned out he had another surgery in the hospital's General OR that took longer than expected. He finally called the center at 11:30 to say he would be arriving by 12:30. There was another woman waiting before me that had a whole host of problems. Her surgery was expected to take 1.5 to 2.5 hours. Yikes...I was ready to run. There was no way I could sit there another 2 hours at least. I keep a cool head and let my doctor come to his own conclusion that the schedule didn't make sense. So I was bumped up. I felt horrible for the other woman because she had been there before me and waited longer for the doctor but, it would only delay her surgery by no more than 20 minutes. Phew...She was ok with that and I told her I was very sorry. I left recovery around 2:30 and she was still in the OR. That poor gal!!!

DH and I are doing fairly well. I won't say the second miscarriage is easier because I am probably still under the influence of drugs and pregnancy hormones. The nightmare is yet to come. My body and head don't like the hormone adjustment. I typically go to a very dark place that has no room for optimism or hope. But, I do pull through eventually. Hope does return. That bitch!!!

DH and I are trying to guess who will announce their pregnancy next. It never fails when I am either cycling or having a miscarriage we get a phone call from someone with their big news. We are definitely feeling the defeat of IF. I expect my old infertile friend that I posted about on April 7, 2008, to send me her birth announcement soon telling me how glorious motherhood is and that hopefully I will get the chance too. Whatever witch!!!

Mr. G and I have decided to take the summer off. We have my husband's best friend's wedding in late July. DH was asked to become a minister to officiate the ceremony. He felt very honored. The wedding will take place on Lake George with a lobster bake afterwards. Our friend rented a huge house on the lake for all of his close friends. Unfortunately, we cannot stay all week because of a work obligation I have which really sucks. So Mr. G and I decided to take a luxury vacation in August. We are looking into Paris right now but, the dollar sucks so bad. It probably won't hold us back but, we started pricing the airfare and hotel and we are at $4,500. I have no problem paying money for a nice hotel but, I resent the cost of airfare. It is so much money but, we are still shopping around. We both need a major break from all that has happened to us.

I think by September, I will be ready to start a FET. I am not looking forward to Lu.pr.on injections. I have never been on it and I hear such terrible stories. My RE says it isn't so bad because usually he will add estrogen and progesterone after seven days. But, he has never taken it personally so what does he know. I also worry that it will just result in another miscarriage. I am hoping we find the one good egg or it ends in a BFN. I don't want the in between.

I am done with being a little pregnant.

NO HEARTBEAT

Our ultra sound on Friday confirmed that the little one is gone. No spotting. No cramping. Just a motionless spot on the screen. We have a D&C scheduled for this Tuesday. It sucks that this had to happen before a holiday weekend. I just want it over with. We had no warning with our first miscarriage. We found out on a Monday and by Wednesday the procedure was done. In a small way we were lucky. There weren't any births occurring that night while were at the hospital. I didn't even see a pregnant woman walking around the halls. I was the only person in recovery.

What are the chances I will have that good fortune again? It is very devastating to make a woman go to labor and delivery to have her baby sucked out of her. I considered for a very brief moment of just letting the pregnancy pass naturally. But, then I came to my senses! I have been through enough. This time around I found out it is easier finding out the baby is gone rather than the baby is going. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long. I know there are women out there with worse stories. Some woman aren't even offered the choice of a D&C. Lucky me!

I went to work on Thursday and Friday just to keep myself distracted. My husband couldn't take off and I did not want to be home alone. I am close to a few of my co-workers and they offered me their shoulders to cry on. My boss was choking back the tears and told me to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. He has been aware of every procedure we have done in the past year. He also lets me leave early every other Monday to attend my infertility support group. He doesn't let anyone leave early. My co-worker Sean sent me a beautiful arrangement of roses, hydrangeas and calla lilies. I greatly appreciate any acknowledgement of our loss. Most people don't understand how significant this is for us.

Thankfully, I have this blog and all of you to support me through this awful time. I want to give a special thanks to JulieS of Life after Infertility & Loss of for awarding the Pink Rose to me. She definitely understands the sad place I am in right now. I promise Julie I will be back to regular blogging and will post a proper thank you very soon. (Note: I am a bit of a tech-tard and really have to work out the cut/paste, links etc).

DH and I chose to enjoy this beautiful weekend despite the sadness. The weather in NYC is gorgeous. On Friday night, we took the dog to the beach that is two blocks from our house to watch the sunset. Saturday night we went to the Jersey shore for a delicious seafood dinner. DH had lazy lobster over asparagus risotto and I had pan seared grouper over forbidden rice and roasted fennel. We took a stroll along the ocean afterwards. Yesterday, we chose to not go to a family party and instead we headed to the Botanical Garden in the Bronx. It was just lovely. We really appreciated the good time.

Next weekend, I will be curled up in a ball dealing with the intense cramping I get after the procedure. Pass the Vic.odin please!!! I am too frail right now to deal with any physical pain. And, I will need all my energy to deal with the emotional pain that has yet to hit me.

IT'S ALMOST OVER

Those were not my doctor's exact words but, that is what we are facing right now. The little one failed to grow in the past week. We still have a faint heartbeat and will have another scan tomorrow. DH and I have to wait until the heart ceases in order to move forward with the D&C.

My nightmare continues. I will write more later in between the tears!!!

We Got the Beat!!!

Everybody get on your feet!!!

We haven't heard it yet but, it was there in the normal range. Whoo-hoo!!!

Phew...DH and I had no idea what to expect when we arrived at the RE's office. We were so relieved to see the flutter on the screen. I just want to wake up tomorrow and have the next five weeks past!!! My doctor wants me to switch to oral progesterone and I told him I wasn't ready yet! I remember when I dreaded those nasty butt shots and now I can't let go. I have about four days of oil left so I am going to finish it off. In my last pregnancy, I got to the point where I thought the progesterone was the only reason I was still pregnant. On one hand, I am afraid to truly embrace this pregancy because it may end at any moment but, on the other hand I want to scream it from the mountain top!!!

I have more to say but, work is kicking my ass today!

6 Weeks and One Day

We went for our first ultrasound yesterday. We have a pregnancy! Unfortunately, we do not have a heartbeat...yet. As the nurse prepped us, she told us not to expect to hear one. There would be a small chance that we would but, that it was still early. The doctor made the same statement when he started the exam. I had to keep my eyes closed the entire time. My husband and I were sick with worry.

I heard the doctor turn on the doppler and did not hear the recognizable swoosh swoosh of the heartbeat. I was so sad but, the doctor told me so far so good. The nurse told DH and I it was time to breathe again. I have a couple of large fibroids and he explained that the tissue reflects the sound of the u/s making it difficult to hear anything else. After he said this I remembered we had the same problem the last time. As my RE left the room, he told me that he did expect to hear a heartbeat next week.

Uh...ok...I'll get right on that sir!!!

Nothing New

I haven't been blogging because I can't think of anything except my ultrasound this Wednesday. With my first pregnancy, I was very cocky at this point and told so many people that I was pregnant. This time around, I don't even believe I am pregnant. I am afraid to say or write about what I am feeling or not feeling. I don't want to jinx myself and I am not even supersitious!!!

I really appreciate all of your kind comments!!! Bloggers are keeping me sane!!!

OMG...

Today's BETA is 911 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't believe it!! I will have my first ultrasound next Wednesday, May 7th. I am still praying that there is a sac with a yolk implanted in a good place!!!!

Blood Test #2

Today's BETA = 45

The doctor said he was very happy with that number. So, why am I still worried?!

I will continue taking the progesterone and estrogen. My third BETA is on May 1st. I really appreciate all of your well wishes. It is hard to be joyful when I know how early it is and how much I have to lose. I am still pretty calm though. I had a bit of a breakdown the night before first BETA. My husband, on the other hand, has been a disaster for weeks. I think because he has been such a nervous wreck I am feeling more in charge. My household can't handle two out of control freaks.

Results

BETA = 26.2

I am praying that my next test on friday is over 50. Stay tuned!!!

A Few Good Eggs

So, what does egg quality mean anyway? Two IRL infertiles that are younger than me are now nursing their newborns at home. Both got pregnant after me with just mediocre eggs. There are other friends too. All around 30 years old. My doctor was always proud of the eggs that I produced but, that hasn't gotten me a child. How can beautiful text book quality eggs just fall flat? Old eggs that's how!!!

My husband wanted to play the odds this time around and put four back. He figured it was better to get pregnant with multiples and let nature sort things out. His hope was that we would end up with the one good egg in the batch. The only problem was my RE said he would not freeze three embryos (one of which wasn't as good as the others). I would have had to discard two seemingly great embryos. I just refused do it. I realize now if I just kicked and screamed alittle he probably would have. It is just hard to think of every possible detail while dressed in a paper gown in a cold OR.

I can only hope for the best and figure out the worse later.

Speechless...

I transferred three blasts on day five. And, I will hopefully freeze four.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would make it to a day five transfer.

NINE FOLLIES!!!

Great news! My ER went really well yesterday. The nurse told us to be there at 12:30PM. The appointment was really 1PM and the doctor didn't show up until 2PM. This lateness in my last cycle would have thrown me over the edge. This time, I was totally cool.

The anesthesiologist took me in shortly after 1PM and started getting me ready. She could do everything but, start the drugs. We kept each other company by telling stories. It turns out my RE helped the OR nurse get pregnant. She is now 16 weeks. I believe she said it took three ivf's. I decided she was my good luck charm this cycle!

I thank you all for your great words about my cycle and ho-bag former friend!!! As I was driving to work on Monday, I made the decision to remove her from my life. She was more than halfway out the door anyway. A long time ago, I had decided it was better to keep friends by working through hards issues than to lose them. As a teenager and into my 20's, I would often ditch people who stressed me. I really wanted to be mature and fair and keep friends around even if I couldn't trust them as I once did. We all need friends for different reasons, right?!!!!.

Anyhow, this girl will be easy to let go. She only cares about herself and now she only has herself!!!

Good-bye A, you're not worthy!!!

Not Fully Cooked!!!

Went to RE on Saturday and he said I wasn't ready yet. This will be the longest I have gone before trigger. I went for more tests today so I should know this afternoon. We have at least eight follies growing at a steady rate.

I was feeling great until 5PM yesterday.

Short Version: Fertile women suck!!!

Long Version: I have been friends with A for over 15 years. She was in my wedding party. We were great friends up until then. I got married a few weeks after A's niece. At the time, A wasn't dating anyone and was in dire financial straits. That's what happens when you don't want to work and love to wear designer clothes. Everytime we hung out she would be wearing a new pair of Manolos. I always asked her how she managed and she told she had plenty of money in the bank.

Anyway, in the months leading up to my wedding she confessed she had spent all her money and had no more room on her credit cards. She wasn't very pleasant during my bridal shower. We did have a minor heart to heart before my big day and she apologized. She confessed to being jealous that I was getting married.

After the wedding, we started hanging out less and less. She was still single and wanted to go clubbing all the time. I just wanted to go home to be with Mr.G. We had started TTC right away and within months I knew we had a problem. I definately stopped hanging out with most of my friends at this point.

After IVF #1 failed, I told A how depressed I was feeling. She told me to be thankful I had a great husband. Ummm...what does that have to do with my failed cycle. During my IVF #2, I told her how anxious I was about the cycle. She asked me if I was "obsessing" too much. I asked her if I had cancer would she make the same comment. At that point, I was done with her.

In September, she called me to tell me her sister was getting a divorce after struggling with IF for many years. I told her I miscarried a few weeks prior and she seemed genuinely upset for me. Of course, I wasn't anxious to call her anytime soon after that. We would randomly exchange short emails her and there. Once she phoned and I did not take her call.

A few weeks ago, she emailed me that she really wanted to talk to me. It took until yesterday to finally make the connection. I truly regret talking to her.

She is 33 weeks pregnant!!!!!!!!

She got pregnant right after I miscarried. I had to ask her who the father was since she still isn't officially with anyone. It is with a guy she has been seeing off and on over the years. Mostly off. The guy asked her to terminate the pregnancy and she said no. I don't blame her since she just turned 40. She figured this was her only chance to get pregnant. It turns out, she misled the guy into thinking she couldn't get pregnant. Now, the guy is older than her and certainly is at fault too. He stopped talking to her for many months. She planned on taking care of everyting herself until a few weeks ago when she figured out a baby is expensive. She wants him to contribute financially and they are now seeing a mediator to work out a plan. Her family is freaking out. 7 out of 9 siblings have stopped talking to her.

This guy has treated her terribly over the years. I feel badly that she is all alone but, she got exactly what she wanted. And, I am so pissed!!!! Here I am doing everything right and I can't have a baby. She can barely take care of herself and now has been given the gift of life. THIS FRIGGIN' BLOWS.

I couldn't sleep because there was a knot in my chest all night. I am so angry and bitter right now!!!! Every cycle, I have to deal with pregnancy annoucements and births. I can't get a break. I told my friend A that I was very happy for her but, very angry that she would wait so long to tell me. I just don't have any kind words for her right now. Fertiles suck!!!

And to top it off, my husband slept soundly next to me and woke up singing this morning!!!

So I have to ask, where is the fairness in this world???!!!

Current Worries

I am still relatively calm about this cycle but, of course my mind is still playing tricks on me. My current worries are:

A. This cycle will not work. This is my last insured cycle and I am not ready for the next step.

B. This cycle will work but, I will miscarry. I do not want to re-live the agony from last summer/fall.

C. This cycle will work and I will deliver a healthy live baby and love the experience so much I will suffer from secondary IF.

I hate being out of control. My mind gets jammed up with irrational worries and fears to try to control the situation. The above list is what I am currently focusing my attention on. I have many other random racing thoughts.

And yet, I am excited about this cycle!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I guess when you have hit rock bottom a few times the surroundings aren't so scarey anymore. I see living through this torture the past year as a great accomplishment. Loss, failure, grief, gain, loss, failure, agony. Only a strong woman could keep picking herself up and starting all over again. Not that I wanted this experience but, I know one day I will celebrate the strength I gained.

I started Cetrotide this morning and have more blood and sono tomorrow. It won't be long now!

CD 6 - Already!!!

AF arrived on 3/26 and I started stimming on the 28th. I am taking 525 Gonal-F and three powders of Menopur. I am doing good so far but, I have only been injecting for three days. Mr. G and I timed it last night and the mixing and injecting is no more than five minutes. I remember how we labored over the injections with our first cycle. The whole processed seemed endless and my anxiety level was sky high. Now, the time just flys by.

The last time I felt like this my IVF cycle was a bust (December). I don't know what I will do if that happens this time too. I am so over treatments but, not ready to give up my genetic link. I am also not looking forward to another miscarriage. I am thinking positively but, so far I have fallen on the down side of the statistics. It is hard to be hopeful.

Thankfully, work has been keeping me distracted. I also went to VT this weekend. My BIL had a 50th birthday party for my sister K. Mr. G and I drove up with my Mom and my brother G went also. It was planned at the last minute so I couldn't get any additional time off from work. I will need a day or two off next week for the ER/ET anyway. The party was at a local inn and the room and food were great. There is still a ton of snow up there. The area received 6" on Friday night which was enough to get us stuck in her driveway. She lives on a mountain ridge and the road up is steep. We were close enough I could see the top of the house. Next thing I knew the car was sliding backwards. We backed up all the way down and my BIL picked us up at the bottom. She lives about six hours from me but, the trip is so worth it. My family had a great time together. Mr. G wants to move up there. I am not sure if I could survive the long winters. Although, it would be great to live closer to K and her family.

My other sister J is a bit of a whack-o so I avoid her completely. Thankfully, she lives down south and has no money to travel. She called my brother and asked to use his credit card so she could go to K's party. G said no way. J has a long history with managing funds poorly which is why she now lives in a borrowed trailer with not a dime to her name and a loser husband. She never wanted to work so this is where her life choices have lead her. The other four of us have always worked really hard and have nice lives. She can't understand why she doesn't. Oh well, not my concern.

Some good IF news. My friend E received a BFP yesterday on her second IVF. She suffered a horrible stillbirth last summer a couple of weeks before my miscarriage. It has been a long hard road for her and me. I hope I can be pregnant again with her but, I will always be there for her.

I have blood and sono tomorrow. I hope my ovaries are waking up and doing what I need them to do.

Oooh Oooh Oooh What a Little Cardio Can Do!!!!

My anxiety has driven me back to a cardio workout. Nothing crazy. I extended my dog walk in the morning by ten minutes. Lil'G is sooo happy about that. I have also ditched the elevator at work for the stairs. I think I counted 96 steps once. Just that little bit of cardio has helped my mood tremendously. My racing thoughts are not as loud or as frequent. One of my co-workers, L, just started seeing a shrink. Yes, I do work in a mental house. The funny thing is we all actually get along and like each other. We aren't all the best of friends but, everyone enjoys working together. It is mostly our boss and clients that has us all teetering on the edge. Anyway, the shrink explained to L about the need to release stress everyday. If you can't let that internal scream out by yelling your head off, you should just take a walk, run, clean the house, dance...whatever. It does help!!! But, I did know this already. I just needed to be reminded because sitting on my big ass is so much easier!!!!

Feelin' All Kinds of Crazy

Sometime last week, I started feeling really badly. You know, more than the feeling bad that has become normal since IF moved into my world. I have been waking up at 3:00 AM every day with racing thoughts about everything. I am anxious, depressed, fearful, crampy and very angry. Here is what is going on with me:

1. I am infertile.

2. I was suppose to give birth to my first child this month. I knew getting through this month would be hard but, I was not prepared for the grief. That is one tough emotion. I had dinner a few nights ago with my friend E who lost her twins at 21.5 weeks not long before my miscarriage. She is also doing a cycle now. It is good to have someone who understands all the pain and suffering. Although, I wish neither of us were in this position.

3. BCP's suck. I have never faired well on the pill. My hormones were not meant to be manipulated. I get very bitchy and angry. I cringe everytime I put one in my mouth at night. But, I have to move forward and get through this cycle. It is probably the only chance I have for pregnancy. So here, I am facing my last fresh IVF cycle unsure what to do if it doesn't work.

4. My job is insane. Now is the worst possible time to cycle but, I won't have any significant down time until July/August. I had no choice but to dive right in and go for it. I literally get woozy when I get to work now. I use to be able to power my way through all the stress and get the job done. I was even challenged by 11th hour struggles. I had a great reputation for being a hard worker that can handle just about anythng. We work in teams and people have always requested me first. Now my lack of concentration is starting to show...gulp...! But, everyone around me is also stressed. Nearly all my co-workers are on Xan.ax or anti-d's. I have co-workers who are heavy alcoholics that show up to work late stinking to high heaven. One coworker even use to take naps under his desk in the middle of the day (and he wasn't one of the drunks). One gal just had surgery for TM.J. How do I find inspiration and comfort in this mental house???!!!!

I guess, even having one of the above issues is enough to throw anyone over the edge. I have to keep channeling my inner strengh and pray everthing will work out ok. Here's to another 7+ weeks of utter insanity!!!!!!

It's a New Day!!!

Got period.

Called RE.

FSH tomorrow.

Start pill Sunday.

Stop pill March 23rd.

Onto IVF #3 (I hope because the last time I wrote IVF #3 it was converted to IUI).

Of course, I am excited and scared shitless all at once. I just love duality. I was alittle disappointed when AF arrived today. Well more like very disappointed. After all these years trying, I still hope for that miracle cycle when pregnancy occurs naturally. I don't obsess every twitch and twinge like I use to but, I still fantasize getting knocked up the old fashioned way - just Mr. G and me.

I have my fingers crossed that this cycle will be similar to the second one. I don't know if I could take another conversion. I somewhat reluctantly headed back to my acupuncturist. It was one of the things I did not do my last cycle. I am happy to see her again. She is such a doll. I just hate spending the money. I cut out the 30 minute massage so now I will pay $75.00 plus the herbs. One day this will all be a distant memory and I won't care about the silly details.

I head home tonight to sort through my big o'box of meds to see what I need. I only used the the big guns for the last cycle. Everything else is ready to go.

I remember when Thursdays meant Happy Hour with friends!!! Now, it's just me and my meds!!!

Vacation Over - Booooo!!!!

New Orleans was amazing!!! It was so great to be off from work with my husband hanging out and touring such a gem of a place. LOVED IT!!! Alot of the locals even thanked us for supporting their city. We stayed in the French Quarter on Bourbon Street. Ok - the street was a bit skanky at first but, it grew on me. We did all the traditional NOLA things - listened to live jazz, drank Hurricanes, toured two cemetaries, ate raw oysters, po' boys, muffuletas and beignets (of course not at the same time although I am sure that would be amazing), and took the trolley to Garden District and toured the beautiful homes. We ate dinner at five of the top restaurants in the city. We also had breakfast at Brenn.ans that included Bana.nas Fos.ter. We walked for hours practically everywhere. It really helped me to shake my bad mood. Note to self - get on the friggin' treadmill!!!

Anyway, the only thing that made me feel better about leaving such a great place was going home to my dog, Lil' G. I just love her so much. I truly feel that she has helped me get through this IF nightmare. It is important to have something to nurture. It could be a person, animal, garden - whatever. Just something to tend to and care for. We found her at a shelter nearly three years ago on Mother's Day. I had seen her picture on a website and just had to meet her. My husband was hesitant at first but, when he met her in person he was the first to say we'll take her.

Isn't she sweet -



I was so anxious to get home and pick her up at the dog sitter, B. Usually, when I see Lil'G whether I have been away for days or minutes, she goes nuts. Well, she was so so not happy to see me on Sunday!!! I think she prefers B and her family!!! I mean I can't blame her. B is a stay at home Mom with two boys, two dogs, and a cat. She was also watching three other dogs. Her children love my dog and spent the week taking 98 pictures of her. B. even let Lil'G sleep with one of her sons!!!

She called me the next day and told me her boys want to trade one of their dogs for my dog! Lil'G just seemed so sad to come back home. Mr. G and I have very little action at our house. We both work and their aren't any kids around. We each take Lil'G on a walk each day. And, I always dedicate time when I get home from work to just play with her. Usually she sits on my lap at the end of the night and we watch tv together. Nothing!!! It was such a sad homecoming!!!

But, of course, I'll get over it and Lil'G will come around. I am sure by the time I get home tonight she'll be doing her usual back flips!!! I hope!

And Sheeeeee's Off!!!

I am leaving tomorrow for New Orleans for the rest of the week. I am really looking forward to pretending to not be infertile for alittle while. I really want to brigde the small gap between Mr. G and me. All is well but, it is sometimes hard to stay close to my hubby when my brain is overwhelmed with thoughts about IF.

My desk at work is a mess and it is going to stay that way. This is so not like me. I usually kick into high gear a week or so before a trip to avoid any issues popping up for my boss or co-workers. I just can't concentrate the way I use to. I was stressed about this earlier this week and right now I don't care. I'll be back to handle whatever mess occurs. My desk could be perfect and my boss would still find a problem to bitch about. So...fuck it!!!!

Oh yeah...My Uterus...

The test went well last Thursday. My fibroid near my cervix is dying. Thankfully, it never was a problem anyway. It just likes to give me a ton of pain. The test wasn't horrible but, I had pelvic spasms for two days afterwards.

I have the all clear to start another fresh cycle with my next period. I told the doctor on his way out of the exam room that I better not fall through the cracks this cycle. He is great. I just think his head nurse is overwhelmed and could use some help. I learned in my last cycle that I need to manage my care and not leave it up to the professionals.

My co-worker, A, received a positive BETA on friday. It was her fifth cycle and long deserved. I was very happy for her and a bit sad for me. When I told my hubbie, he became more hopeful for us. He said if A could succeed after the hell she went through than we could too. I wish I could have his optimism! I keep telling him that as long as he remains positive, I have no choice but to be negative. You know, ying/yang, the balance of life.

My shoulders are tired of carrying the reality of our situation. But, I am working on being more positive. I really am. I tried to go back to acupuncture this weekend. It turns out my Dr. was away in China. Now I am going away this weekend for a week. As soon as I get back to NYC, I will start again. It will be just in time for my next cycle.

I seem to be running out of coping techniques. Thank god for this blogging community.

I've Been Tagged!!!

Lori at Weebles Wobblog and Melanie at The Baby Chase tagged me. It's my first time!!! I'm a virgin all over again.

Anyway, here are the rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I was fearing the day I would be tagged for several reasons. A. I am not interesting. B. I had no idea how to link other peoples blogs within a post (thanks Mr. G for helping) turns out to be pretty easy. C. I don't know enough people to tag!!! Gulp...

2. I have a degree in Interior Design and work for a chic designer in NYC. I just can't seem to decorate my own house. I have lived here nearly four years and my walls and floors are bare. I painted my LR/DR walls four times before finally making the right choice. Paint ain't cheap!!!

3. I am a bit of a pack rat/hoarder. I love to hang onto things on the off chance I might need them one day. If I don't have a proper storage spot for something, I jam it into a drawer or closet. I cannot properly hang up coats in my front hall closet because of all the crap. Every room has more than one junk drawer but, I am not embarrassed by this. I love finding little treasures hidden all over the place.

4. I love to eat candies like M&M's and Skittles in color groups. I sort through the bag first and eat the majority first.

5. I cannot cook. I don't even have one signature dish like pasta. If dinner is left up to me, I order in or serve cereal. I love breakfast at dinner time!!! Thankfully, Mr. G is an amazing cook and hasn't grown tired of the daily chore. He even does all the grocery shopping. The only shopping left up to me is the paper goods and cleaning supplies. He has no interest in housekeeping. But, hey no one is perfect.

6. Only a handful of people know this about me, and not necessarily my closest family or friends - I love the soap opera General Hospital. I having been watching it since my pre-teens years and make sure I record it daily to watch at night. Cheesy I know. Sometimes, I even can't stand myself and tune out but, I always go back and find that I haven't missed very much.

So, I hope you gals don't mind me tagging you - Freyjia at We Are What We Repeatedly Do, Swim at The Long Challenging Road, and Cindy Nguyen at Baby in the Making (we Hope)!

Test Day Tomorrow!!!

I have my something something sonogram tomorrow. I have such a hard time remembering the name and how to pronounce it. Yes, Baby Chaser, the kind that requires a saline filled balloon up the hoo-hoo. Good times! It's great to know another woman will be subjected to the same torturous procedure at almost the same time as me.

So, here's to all the Stirrup Queens tomorrow with their legs in the air!!!
We should all queefed at the same time!!!

I am taking the day off to get myself all pretty!!! Wink wink!!!

New Orleans, Here I Come!!!

Only 12 more days to go till I leave for NO. I am really excited about this trip. I haven't been away since August 2006. Yes, that's correct 2006. In 2007, Mr. G and I went on a few weekend trips but, our big vacation was canceled since I had a miscarriage on day one. Thankfully, I was still in NY when it happenend.

I certainly have issues with putting my life on hold while dealing with treatments. I should have found a new job, gone on more vacations, purchased more clothes, fixed the house, gone out with friends more, gone out with family more - yadda yadda yadda. You know the deal. We all do this at some point during our IF. I am hoping this vacation will jump start a new attitude.

I have been feeling very grumpy lately all related to IF. I haven't been posting because not a thing is going on in my life right now. My therapist said I need a hobby or two to keep me busy. I just can't figure out what to do. I tried taking a knitting class but, it was canceled. I dusted off the treadmill and haven't looked at it since. Work is insanely busy but, offers no challenges. Par-umpf!!! That's why I desperately need this trip. It will help keep me afloat! Cause baby I am drowning!!!

A dear friend of mine, E, had a stillbirth a few weeks before my miscarriage. It was devastating. She lost twins at 21.5 weeks. Six weeks after, E found out she required a D&C. During the procedure her uterus was preforated. All was ok so E moved onto a FET in December which failed. Her doctor thought she had scar tissue from the D&C. So, she underwent surgery to remove it all. This got me worried about my own D&C. I don't want to do my last insured fresh cycle only to find out scar tissue prevented implantation. So, this week I am off to RE to do a hysterosonogram (HSN).

I had two before so I know what to expect. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that nothing will be found. I know I have two fibroids that did not pose a problem previously. I just hope they have grown into the size of grapefruits. My hope is that all is well and I can move onto IVF #3 in March.

Oh the joy!!!! I can't wait to down a few Hurricanes!!!!!

NEXT STEP DECIDED!

We are taking a vacation!!!!! Mr. G and I will be headed down to New Orleans in February. It will be my first time. We will just miss Mardi Gras but, as my hubby explains, "it always a party in New Orleans"!

I was so devastated after my last failed attempt at getting pregnant. It was one part another failure, one part holiday blues and two parts hormones!!! My brain just reacts horribly when I stop the hormones. I am sooo expecting post-pardum depression when I finally give birth to my baby. IF sucks!!!

Mr. G was ready to roll right into another cycle. A week ago, I couldn't imagine doing another one ever. I was in so much pain. Not the physical kind, the emotional kind. I just didn't know if I would ever feel good again. And, here I am excited about my upcoming trip. I hate that I am delaying the resolution of my treatments because I could conceive on my next try. I just need a moment to feel sort of like my old self again. I need to feel as whole as I can right now. I NEED SOME FUN!!. Mr. G did not understand at first but, he could clearly tell I was hurting. So, Mr. Fix-It came to the rescue and planned us a trip.

Also, I have dug myself into a hole at work and need to pull myself out of it quick. It is so difficult to concentrate on anything except my fertility. Not a good place to be. I woke up in a sweat the other night worrying about everything I need to do to keep my job. The next six months are going to be insane. I really have to start focusing or I will risk getting reprimanded or fired. Thankfully, my boss has been so compassionate with my IF plight so far. (His BFF had suffered IF and eventually adopted from Russia). I would love to be able to quit work and focus on the last of my treatments. But, at the same time having a job to go to five days a week has helped me to stay sane.

Ya 'no, what's a working girl to do???!!!!!

BFN

Not surprising but, still devastating. I feel so wounded. My moods are swinging very widely. I am crushed one moment and then hopeful the next. Thus, the roller coaster effect of the illness. I am thankful that I have even the slightest bit of hope left.

I have to clear up something. My BETA day was yesterday the 31st. I typed my post in the very early morning hours of the same morning since I could not sleep. The post was incorrectly dated for the 30th. My husband found a Blogger book for me at the library yesterday so maybe I will at least know a little something about what I am doing. LOL.

Back to IF, I am not sure what the next step will be. I stopped the hormones yesterday so my head will start to clear up. It is always better to take a break before making a big decision. Yesterday while in a moment of despair, my hubbie did point out that we have options. I can use my frozen embies. I could do my last fresh cycle. Or, I can stop treatments completely.

While visiting my sister in VT the subject of me trying to get pregnant came up over dinner. My 11 year old adopted niece said, "why don't you just adopt"????? She told me I could do most of the process on the internet. She is such an great kid and so smart. I told her Mr. G and I are considering it and they we would be proud to love a girl just like her. She gave me a huge smile!!! So much to consider.

I read that a secret to being a happy person is to surround yourself with people who tell you you're happy. Sometimes we need to be reminded which is exactly why I started blogging. Most of my family and most of my friends do not understand what I am going through. They offer the well intentioned assvice of "just get over it", "stop obsessing", and the best line "just relax and it will happen"!!! We have all heard this nonsense many times.

I wish I had a positive outcome to share with all of you. I always like to hear of other women getting pregnant because it gives me great hope. It just isn't my time yet. I especially appreciated yodamistress and Lori who reminded me that I am not an angry bitter sourpuss after all!!!

I wish a happy and healthy journey to resolution to all infertiles for 2008!!!