The day after Thanksgiving, Mr. G and I received our first Christmas card. It was from my husband's former co-worker T. She is the gal that hooked us up with our current RE. The only doctor to ever give us a real chance to try for a baby. She got pregnant a few weeks after me last year. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage.
At first, I was very excited to receive the card. T is really a great person and her baby is absolutely gorgeous. I was looking in awe at this little baby that she and her husband created. Suddenly, an intense sadness flowed through my body. I will never be able to look at a baby and see my genetics. Why? And, why T and not me? We both endured the same grueling procedure. Why was I the unlucky one?
Later that night, I ran to the supermarket to pick up a few things and grabbed a cheesy tabloid on my way out. One of the first spreads was of Brook.e Sheil.ds and her two beautiful daughters. Again, I found myself devastated that I will never have children that share my genetics. I will never be able to look into a cubby cherub and see myself. Again, why her and not me? Why is she better than me?
Shame instantly followed.
I have failed as a woman. My body is useless.
I felt like crap for two whole days walking around angry and bitter and snapping at people who dared to cross my path. I felt so badly that I Goog.led 'angry bitter infertile' and actually found a wonderful worksheet put out by Resolve about coping with infertility. It was mostly about how family and friends can help. In the past, I have tried educating those around me about IF. It was a useless effort. Everyone treads lightly around me. No one takes a moment to say "are you really ok?". Even my Mom. I guess they are afraid I might really answer them.
BTW - My emotions are totally fueled by the progesterone and estrogen I am taking after completing my final ART procedure last week. My RE thawed my last four blasts and all were transfered. Here I wait to see if this time might finally be my time. I am doubtful but, I am only admitting that here. To anyone else that knows about my transfer I am the picture of positivity!!! Because you know that positive thoughts will get any gal pregnant. Right.
This holiday season I am sending out a photo card for the first time. While in Alaska, Mr. G and I took a picure in front of the Hubbar.d Glacier. Well, truth be told, we took a ton of pictures in front of the glacier praying that one would be nice enough to grace a card. Thankfully one did. Cran.es has some pretty digital image cards. It came out really well and I can't wait to send it to our friends and family. I figure if I have to endure looking at other people's kids I might as well let them see what life looks like without children!
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8 comments:
I have found that the whole Christmas Card time of year is so fraught with emotional landmines for the fertilty-challenged, and even more so for those of us who have experienced the loss(es) of a much wanted baby. I am so sorry for your pain, and the grief you are still working through.
While I am pleased to be able to send out (finally) my own photo of our little girl this year, I am still apprehensive about receiving photo cards from the "Pancake Makers" of the bunch (what I call the people who make babies as easily as they are making pancakes). It pisses me off, sorry!
Unfortunately, we don't have a good photo of the three of us, so I just went with a photo of Lil Pumpkin coming down a playground slide with a giant smile on her face.
The photo cards I am most weary of receiving are the ones of the chicks hugging their pregnant belly, or with a bow wrapped around it. Ugh. Cause it'll never be me. I don't WANT that - not anymore (nope, we will add any additional kids via adoption). But it's a reminder of my 3 own 3 losses, and of feelings I will never get to have.
HUGS. Just wanted to validate YOUR feelings.
(p.s. i'd be jealous of how much fun you look like you were having in the photo you have described!!!)
(p.s.s. during my pre-parent years I fantasize about sending the Pancake Makers a card of hubby and I sleeping in bed, perfectly styled, with the clock in the background reading 12:30 p.m. or something luxurious like that - just to piss 'em off!)
I'm still trying to think up a way to create a card depicting the FABULOUS and FUN FILLED life of childlessness to send out. Yes, I do have a mean streak. ;)
I'm holding you in my heart during your wait and during the Christmas card season.
I bet your glacier photos look so fun and carefree that any parents you send them to will be green with envy.
Wishing you luck this cycle. It is hard to face not having your genetic child and I hope you won't have to face if after all.
BTW, don't be so sure Brook has her genetic offspring.
I hope this cycle works for you. No genetic little one for me, but that's OK.
I will second Kami's comment, my mother-in-law worked in the IF clinic of the stars - simply put, there are a lot of hollywood babies out here that would not be here without donor eggs or other assistance. Let them deny it all they want. :)
Again, fingers crossed you get the most wonderful Christmas gift of all - a healthy, full-term pregnancy and wonderful little one.
It was THIS blog entry of yours which pushed me over the edge to write my own rant about Xmas cards . . . thanks for the shove ;o)
How are things going?
I read this again and thought - you're right, it is so f'in unfair.
You are now LISTED on my Blog Roll!
Does this mean you are thinking about posting again yourself (I understand that sometimes we have to take breaks, and sometimes we have nothing to say . . . but I still check on you and am still here to listen and nod).
Thanks for all of your support and cheers when I have needed it.
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