Big Girls Don't Cry

Unless they are infertile. Then they cry and cry and cry until they think they have no more tears to shed. And, then they cry some more. It has been ten weeks and two days since my D&C. It was Mr. G's and mine first pregancy after three years of trying, two iui's and two ivf's. The baby stopped developing sometime in the eighth week.

I recall the day clearly although I have finally stopped reliving it on a daily basis. I just continue to feel empty inside. I feel myself smiling and laughing again but, it is not with the same zest as before. I feel like I am wearing a mask. I lost 40lbs this year and people keep telling me how good I look. I find it funny because I feel so far from good. I am the complete opposite.

IF has literally sucked the life out of me. I am not completely hopeless right now. That was earlier this year when I failed my first ivf. I think it is terrible that dr's don't ween you off of progesterone when you get a BFN. Anyway, that darkness was brief and I was able to move onto my second procedure.

I am hoping this blog will bring me some peace and connection with others with similar experiences. IF is very isolating. I no longer relate to my friends with children or my single friends still looking for Mr. Right. I am in the in-between land trying to add a little one to my family and trying not to lose my mind during the journey!!!