Friday, October 26, 2007

Big Girls Don't Cry

Unless they are infertile. Then they cry and cry and cry until they think they have no more tears to shed. And, then they cry some more. It has been ten weeks and two days since my D&C. It was Mr. G's and mine first pregancy after three years of trying, two iui's and two ivf's. The baby stopped developing sometime in the eighth week.

I recall the day clearly although I have finally stopped reliving it on a daily basis. I just continue to feel empty inside. I feel myself smiling and laughing again but, it is not with the same zest as before. I feel like I am wearing a mask. I lost 40lbs this year and people keep telling me how good I look. I find it funny because I feel so far from good. I am the complete opposite.

IF has literally sucked the life out of me. I am not completely hopeless right now. That was earlier this year when I failed my first ivf. I think it is terrible that dr's don't ween you off of progesterone when you get a BFN. Anyway, that darkness was brief and I was able to move onto my second procedure.

I am hoping this blog will bring me some peace and connection with others with similar experiences. IF is very isolating. I no longer relate to my friends with children or my single friends still looking for Mr. Right. I am in the in-between land trying to add a little one to my family and trying not to lose my mind during the journey!!!


Yoka said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so difficult to find hope and strength to continue with IF treatments in the midst of all these emotional roller coasters. That's why we decided to start the adoption process.

Lori said...

I can't imagine the loss you've endured.

Thanks for stopping at my blog. Take time to refresh before tackling a new monster.

And then, trust the process :-).

Kami said...

I am very sorry for you loss. I understand the grief that comes with failed attempts and lost pregnancies. Somehow we just keep going though. You will too.

Working Girl said...
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JJ said...

Hang onto all the support you will get from the amazing women in this community--stop on by my part of the world wide web anytime=)
Hugs to you!

Yodasmistress said...

"I think it is terrible that dr's don't ween you off of progesterone when you get a BFN."

I agree. That progesterone crash is freaking HORRIBLE!!!

I am really sorry for your loss. I've never been through that and honestly can't imagine how difficult it must be.