Moving Forward

Decision made.

Domestic newborn open adoption it is!

I am excited and terrified all at once.

I choose adoption over donor eggs mostly because my family is very open to adoption already. My niece K was placed in my sister's arms 12 years ago in a semi-open adoption. I will only have to minimally educate my family and friends about the process of open adoption. I had alot of unresolved issues with DE and I am giving myself the option to explore it again once I become a mom.

Mr. G and I have been very busy since our final ART cycle. We interviewed several agencies, joined a support group, signed with an agency and completed our home visits. We received a draft of our home study yesterday. Our SW wrote very lovely things about us. Things that I had forgotten about during the fog of IF and ART.

And now, for the first time in my life , I can confidently say - I AM GOING TO BE A MOM!!!!

WHOO-HOO!!!

Tis' the Season

The day after Thanksgiving, Mr. G and I received our first Christmas card. It was from my husband's former co-worker T. She is the gal that hooked us up with our current RE. The only doctor to ever give us a real chance to try for a baby. She got pregnant a few weeks after me last year. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage.

At first, I was very excited to receive the card. T is really a great person and her baby is absolutely gorgeous. I was looking in awe at this little baby that she and her husband created. Suddenly, an intense sadness flowed through my body. I will never be able to look at a baby and see my genetics. Why? And, why T and not me? We both endured the same grueling procedure. Why was I the unlucky one?

Later that night, I ran to the supermarket to pick up a few things and grabbed a cheesy tabloid on my way out. One of the first spreads was of Brook.e Sheil.ds and her two beautiful daughters. Again, I found myself devastated that I will never have children that share my genetics. I will never be able to look into a cubby cherub and see myself. Again, why her and not me? Why is she better than me?
Shame instantly followed.

I have failed as a woman. My body is useless.

I felt like crap for two whole days walking around angry and bitter and snapping at people who dared to cross my path. I felt so badly that I Goog.led 'angry bitter infertile' and actually found a wonderful worksheet put out by Resolve about coping with infertility. It was mostly about how family and friends can help. In the past, I have tried educating those around me about IF. It was a useless effort. Everyone treads lightly around me. No one takes a moment to say "are you really ok?". Even my Mom. I guess they are afraid I might really answer them.

BTW - My emotions are totally fueled by the progesterone and estrogen I am taking after completing my final ART procedure last week. My RE thawed my last four blasts and all were transfered. Here I wait to see if this time might finally be my time. I am doubtful but, I am only admitting that here. To anyone else that knows about my transfer I am the picture of positivity!!! Because you know that positive thoughts will get any gal pregnant. Right.

This holiday season I am sending out a photo card for the first time. While in Alaska, Mr. G and I took a picure in front of the Hubbar.d Glacier. Well, truth be told, we took a ton of pictures in front of the glacier praying that one would be nice enough to grace a card. Thankfully one did. Cran.es has some pretty digital image cards. It came out really well and I can't wait to send it to our friends and family. I figure if I have to endure looking at other people's kids I might as well let them see what life looks like without children!

Feelin' Good

From the words sung by the late great Nina Simone...

It's a new dawn,

It's a new day,

It's a new life for me...

And, I'm feelin' good!!!

Congratualtions to our President Elect Barak Obamba

FET #1

So over a month ago, the day before my 42nd birthday, my RE transfered four thawed embryos into my uterus. It was the four from my IVF #3 in May. My RE and embryologist both agreed these four were better than the four I have from IVF #2.

After I miscarried last summer, my RE encouraged me to hold these embryos and do IVF #3. At the time, he felt I should hold the embryos in case I wanted a sibling for the baby I was for sure going to have after another fresh cycle. Well, we know how IVF #3 turned out. And, here I am down to my last four embryos. Happy Eff'ing Birthday.

My first BETA after FET #1 came back at 6.7. It was heartbreaking. Thankfully, it just went down from there so the end was swift. This was the first cycle I ever POAS so it wasn't surprising. I just wished it were my time. I just wished my story was "gee...all my tests were negative but, it worked anyway...haha...ain't life grand". Not this time sweetie. You must suffer longer.

Today, I started my Lu.pron injections for FET #2. I had been holding off for many months doing any offical grief work until now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. My therapist thinks it's time. She says I need a new plan before this cycle is over.

My GYN wants me to see a different doctor that uses PGD. I am very torn. Technically, IVF worked for me twice. I just had bad eggs. I would love my own genetic child but, I just can't put myself through anymore trauma. I am guessing if I see a new RE, I would have to emotionally commit to at least two cycles. I don't think I can do that. Even with PGD it is just a chance at pregnancy. I never was a gambler so why am I torturing myself. The odds are against me.

Two weeks ago, my therapist left me with a question to ponder...

How much loss can you bear?

It gave me alot to think about.

High and Lows

Summer started terribly with my second miscarriage over Memorial Day weekend. Mr. G and I then headed up to VT to spend July 4th with my sister K and her family. We all get along fabulously despite a huge age difference between us and her hubbie. Oh...and he is alot wealthier than us too. Our chemistry works and we all had a really nice long weekend together. My sister's kids are really cool.

On the job front, I was finally able to stop obsessing over personal problems and get some work done. I had been busy with a project for the past year and a half and it was finally coming to an end. One of my teammates was a new guy that had been really f'ing up the entire time. It was very stressful. Really awful actually. However, the job ended beautifully and the clients were as happy as can be.

Later in July, Mr. G and I headed up to Lake George, NY for our friends G&A's wedding. They had asked Mr. G to become a non-denominational minister to perform the ceremony. G&A rented a stunning Victorian house on the lake that slept 25 and a boat for us to sail around. Their hope was that we would all spend the week with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave about three hours after the wedding to catch a train in Albany to be at work to complete the project mentioned above. There were still drunk ass guests sitting on the porch at 3am when I left. I was so jealous. I just wanted to stay with Mr. G and our friends and enjoy the good time. It wasn't fair but, I have a responsibility to my job. This damn friggin' job that I thought I would have left by now to raise my child. Anyway, it was great to be away at an event were children were not the center of attention. Our few friends with kids were so happy to be away that none of them wanted to talk about their lives. Mr. G and I felt normal. It was sooo pleasant.

In the meantime, my co-worker A who was pregnant after 5+ years of infertility gave birth at 24 weeks. She suffered placenta abruption and required an emergency c-section. Little D weighed less than a pound but, was a fighter. Every day, and every week was a milestone. At first, her parents were so distraught not knowing how to care for such a little girl in such distress. I remember the day it finally hit A that she was a mom and was going to do whatever she needed to do to make sure her daughter had a great life. Two days later, after four weeks on this earth, little D passed away. My co-worker and her husband were and still are devastated. Each day is a struggle. I cried so hard when I heard the news. I just wanted A to be finally happy. Now she has to deal with an even more devastating loss than IF. I remember two times during her pregnancy when I felt that jealousy burning in me by seeing her. Both times I had to remind myself that she deserved to be happily pregnant. I always supported her throughout and have since. She had a memorial service at her church and Mr. G insisted he go with me. It is just so heartbreaking.

Mr. G and I finally made it to our Alaskan cruise. The land and wildlife are breathtaking. I made sure I enjoyed every single moment. At one point, while hanging off the back of a catamaran after seeing about 15 humpback whales in the water around Juneau I realized how lucky I was. I may not have a child yet but, I will one way or the other. I have a great husband and together we can afford these amazing adventures. IF can really tear apart every aspect of your life. At some point, you go through a phase were you can't find happiness anywhere. You are miserable at home so you go to work and find that you are no longer satisfied there either. You lose touch with family and friends because they don't get you anymore. IF is so debilitating. This trip was exactly what I needed. Here are some photo's.





The last photo is a humpback whale feeding on something near the surface of water.

This and That

Phew...it has been a long time because honestly, I have had nothing to say. To anyone. I have just been internalizing all that has happened to me. The miscarriage is over and I managed the pain well. Self-protection is the phrase of the day!!!

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One of my co-workers has resigned to pursue fertility treatments. I am slightly envious. I have wished many times over the past year to be able to stop work and stay in bed all day. Especially, the weeks after a loss. But, I have to say that there were just as many times that I couldn't be home alone and going to work was a godsend.

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DH and I booked a cruise to Alaska for August. Originally, we wanted to go to Paris. I have been there already and just couldn't see spending a ton of money on a place I have been to. Maybe next year when the economy is better. Neither of us have been to Alaska and we can't wait. DH has wanted to go since he was little and has already book our excursions. We will be cruising the glaciers and whale watching. We are both wrecked emotionally and need a major break.

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I just read An Empty Lap by Jill Smolowe. She is a journalist that adopted a daughter from China after infertility in the late 90's. I loved it and finished it in nearly a day. She was very honest about her depression and marital problems. Her husband was a very reluctant spouse. Ms. Smolowe's writing style was similar to Peggy Orenstein in Waiting for Daisy.

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We had our follow up visit with the RE. This miscarriage was also chromosomal - Trisomy 4. He knows of no live birth with this abnormality. We discussed our next step which is FET. The RE also mentioned...wait for it...

donor egg!

Gasp...gasp...sigh...sigh.

I will post more details later!

ANGRY UTERUS

My uterus is pissed. She does not like being messed with at all.

The cramping began Wednesday night nice and calmly. Ad.vil worked until early this morning. Around 1:30 am, I needed to bring in the big guns - Controlled Substances!!! I made it through the night but, I hardly slept. I guess I am too much of a control freak for drugs like Vi.codin.

I just have to keep remembering this too shall pass.

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A couple of weeks ago when I was still pregnant, JulieS of Life After Infertility & Loss nominated me for the Pink Rose Award. She seemed to find my blog at precisely the right time. She understands the huge loss of a pregnancy regardless of how early it happens. Loss is loss.




I would like to pass this award to the following ladies:

Babe of A Long Winding Road - After her devastating 1st trimester loss of twins, she now has to say goodbye to her furbaby Sammie. I am a mother to my own furbaby who has helped me get through my own losses. My heart goes out to her and her husband.

Mrs. J of In Our Own Weird Way - After several miscarriages and a canceled IVF she is now weeks away from bringing home her Lil' Pumpkin from China. I admire her decision to walk away from IVF and find resolution through adoption.

The rules are as follows:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else