Tuesday, November 10, 2009

BAD CELLS

Bad Bad Bad Cells. Very Naughty Cells.

Last December, I completed the second of two consecutive FETs. Both failed. My TTC journey ended with that last low BETA.

For all of 2009, my menstrual cycles have been consistently irregular. Each period would last 15 to 20 days and consisted mostly of clots and light spotting. I don't recall how may days in between each cycle but enough to feel normal. As each period passed, I waited for my body to right itself. Up until this year I was always regular.

In September, I went to my favorite gyn and found out my lining was 6x the normal size. We scheduled a D&C for early October. Nothing to stress about right? I have been through worse. I expected my cycles to go back to normal and would have no need to see my gyn again for at least six months. I was completely unprepared for the news I received three weeks ago.

I have pre-cancer cells in my uterus. More specifically, Complex Hyperplasia without Atypia. The last part, without atypia, is very important.

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER. In fact, I have a very small chance of getting uterine cancer. There is alot of time between pre-cancer and cancer when it comes to the lining of the uterus. I will be on a synthetic progesterone for the next three months to prevent the lining from growing. I will have have another sono the end of January and I think another D&C. (I stopped listening to my doctor at some point and thought more about how I got to this crappy point in life).

All of the above I can deal with reasonably. It's the next part that has me in a panic.

If I do not respond to the meds my doctor wants to do a hysterectomy. It was at that point that the tears started flowing down my cheeks. The loss of my uterus would put the final nail in my TTC coffin. Do I think I could get pregnant at 43? No, I do not. But a part of me needs to believe that I could. That small bit of maybe is what I am using to get through my adoption wait. I just wanted to be a mother. That's all I ever wanted to be. It is hard to imagine that I haven't lost enough already. That the universe needs more from me. And, I am so tired of the fight. I am so tired of being the sick one. I was always the strong, stable one that everyone could count on. Now I am an emotional basket case.

I often wish I could be that strong woman again. I have to remind myself that one day the universe will pay me back. One day, I will be holding the baby that I was meant to parent.

For now, I pray the drug treatment will work and I am shopping around for a second opinion. I love my doctor, but I think he is taking the easy way out. I want a doctor that will be willing to fight for my last bit of womanhood. Even if it is only for my own mental health and well being.

19 comments:

Ms. J said...

I am so sorry . . . What a blow. THIS blows. You have a lot to face and sort through.

Please let me know how/if I can help.

If nothing else, I assure you that I am listening (reading).

Melanie said...

I completely understand. Yes, according to the doctors, the odds of getting pregnant naturally are small, but it's still a chance. To hear the possibility of the "h" word has to hit like the proverbial ton of bricks. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Lavender Luz said...

I am here reading, too.

I am glad for the non atypia.

Abiding...

Pepper said...

Hearing that diagnosis must have been so shocking. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

I'll also praying that the drugs do their job and wishing you lots of peace and serenity in the meantime.

LFCA

cowgirltn said...

Praying for gods miracle.

tickintime said...

Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way...

sonja said...

I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. There is definitely something about having a chance (even if it is almost none) at conceiving ... it is still hope. I will pray that you respond to the meds and don't need to go down that road.


LFCA

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I'm so sorry. I dealt with my own scare earlier this year of atypical hyperplasia of the breast. While it wouldn't have necessarily ended my TTC life, the "atypical" scared me very much for my life as a whole.

Go after that 2nd opinion - I'll be sending you good thoughts that you're able to still have a chance at TTCing.

*LFCA*

Pie said...

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I hope the second opinion offers more options.

Me said...

GAWD I didn't expect to find this. I'm so sorry. Why can't anything ever be easy? I wish I had some kind of magic answer for you but quite honestly I don't have any real wisdom for you. I hope for the best for you though. Sincere ((HUGS))

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awomanmyage said...

There's nothing like an infertile woman hear the "c" word and the "h" word all in one conversation. That must have socked you in the gut. The one thing I've learned is the doctors through out hysterectomy as a means of dealing with anything they can't fix. If you were 26, they might not be so quick about suggesting it cause they'd assume you'd need it. I once told a doctor who mentioned hysterectomy as a means to deal with heavy bleeding that perhaps he didn't need his balls anymore either.

Right now you need to concentrate on taking care of your uterine health - please do some research and consult with whoever you need to.

You have been through enough. Tell the universe that and get healthy for that little bundle of joy that is going keep you up all night.

Emily Heizer Photography said...

I'm so sorry about all of this. We would all love an update if you have one. I hope things have improved since November!

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