Wednesday, November 28, 2007

But Here's the Good Part...

I was able to spend two days with my favorite aunt who has cancer. She is my second mother. I am praying that she will be around for several more years but, she has a rare melenoma and is on her third tumor. My mom is ten years older than she and has been starting the show her age. She is extremely forgetful and has horrible arthritis. My mom hasn't been able to help me through this life crisis. But, my mom has never dealt well with hard issues. Her way of dealing is to pretend it isn't happening and hopefully it will just resolve itself. My aunt on the other hand heads straight into the fire. Consequently, people think my mother is the lovely one and my aunt the crazy one. My aunt has been the only family member that's gets me. Her crisis is different but, it illicits the same emotional response and requires the same coping techniques. She always asks me how I am and what's my next step. The day she found out about her third tumor was the day I miscarried. She was more concerned about me than herself. And, I was more concerned about her. That's what families do for each other. Or, that's what they are suppose to do for each other. I realize though that I can't expect people to handle more than they are capable of handling. Looking back over my life, I probably often ignored other peoples pain because I didn't get it for whatever reason. I am certainly a more compassionate person because of IF. Although, I wonder if I really needed to learn this lesson this way.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Not So Thankful Thanksgiving!!!

I had good times and bad times this holiday. By the end of Thanksgiving day, I figured out that the majority of my whole family knows I had a miscarriage. Of course, I told my immediate family and then some when it happened. I knew the news would travel by word of mouth. Do you think anyone would take the time to acknowledge my loss???? I am talking about aunts, uncles and cousins!!!! People who have known me all my life and see often. Do you think one of them could have said something kind to me??? It bothers me so much that people have such a difficult time acknowledging loss and suffering. Isn't that what life is about? We all experience it. Unfortunately, some more than others but, it all evens out in the end. For the brief period I was pregnant my telephone would not stop ringing. Everyone on both sides wanted to know how I was doing. They never called when I was infertile and they haven't called since my loss. I am feeling so angry and bitter. And, I am afraid that those feelings will not go away. I just can't control my emotions now. Of course, it has alot to do with my jealousy over my evil SIL's second birth. I have been avoiding lots of family dinners with my IL's because of all the babies. This year, Mr. G and I are to celebrate Xmas with them. I am praying that evil SIL is scheduled to be with her family this year. I can deal with my other SIL and her children. She experienced IF, IVF and miscarriage so she gets me. So far, I have been doing what I need to do for me but, it is creating tension in Mr. G's family. At Xmas, I expect to be in my TWW. That's a crazy time normally now add the baby tension. I keep expecting to awaken from this nightmare but, it is going on and on and on...

Thursday, November 15, 2007


Well, my evil SIL had her second baby last night. Her first was conceived right after her wedding and this one just a few months after the birth of the first. Some gals have all the luck. I hate her!!! I guess the annoucement of her third pregnancy will come any day now. Yes, I am very bitter. The only upside is she had another boy. She just knew she was having a girl. A "witch" told her so. No lie. Why ask the doctor when a "witch" will tell you?!

I would love to be happy for her but, she is sooo unpleasant and nasty. She had seen me the day before my micarriage and never congratulated me on my pregnancy. So, of course, she has never acknowledged the loss. It will be fun to sit back and watch her handle two babies. She and BIL have not been able to figure out how to handle the first one yet. It will be interesting but, really sad for Mr. G and me. My husband's family now has four babies under 4 years old from two siblings. All boys!

Anyway, I officially started my third IVF cycle. I am just in the BCP phase. Last night was my second night. I was very anxious and queasy and went to bed early. I am sure it is just my nerves. There is a big part of me that does not want to do this cycle. But, there is a bigger part of me that wants to be a mom. This is my only shot. After finding out we have MF and old eggs, Mr. G and I decided we would do three IVFs and any FETs. Of course, we could always do more IVFs but, I have to move past treatments at some point. I believe it is healthy to have an end point. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I have four on ice and hopefully a few more after this cycle.

Mr. G and I have looked into adoption and we will again. I would just need to rest a bit and mourn the loss of my genetic child. I was blindsided by IF and then miscarriage. I have never felt the depth of grief that I have this year. I have lost loved ones and felt saddness. But, I had memories and photos to help me through. What do I have to mourn the loss of my child???

I have to remind myself to live in the now. I can't go into this cycle worrying about failure. I have to deal with each day as it comes. I can't control the future. It will be what it will be. I always ask myself during a cycle - If you are sure it is going to fail, why be sooo nervous??????? Just get it over with!!!

Monday, November 12, 2007


AF has finally arrived! Woo-who!!! I get to start my third IVF - isn't that awesome?!?!?! I get to take hormones that make me a raging anxious bitch. I am just sooo happy. Good times!

I am waiting to hear from my RE to confirm my protocol. I expect to start the pill tonight for three weeks and then onto stims. Just in time for the holidays. I am so fearful of a BFN. But of course, if I get a BFP, it truly will be a great Xmas. Getting pregnant would be the greatest gift ever.

Unfortunately, I don't know if Santa really knows just how good I have been this year. I mean, hello...check your fucking list dude!!!! I deserve this!!!!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

T's Wedding

My cousin looked gorgeous and the reception was awesome. It was very extravagant and over the top. I was sooo exhausted the next day and I had my women's group after work. I didn't think I would make it through the day but, I did.

One of the gals in the group accepted a donor last week. During her nearly six month wait she often wondered if she was taking the right route to resolve her IF. She was so happy to make her announcement and wished she had more people to tell. (Unfortunately, so many of us have very few people to talk to). We also said good-bye to two women. Both are pregnant for over 10 weeks. One through her fourth IVF and the other through ED. I really hope they are successful. We had to say good-bye because this is an IF group. It is sad but, they are in a different place now.

Anyway, back to my cousin. She looked so happy on her big day. She reminds me alot of myself. I couldn't help but pray that she does not have a problem getting pregnant. I would not wish IF on my worst enemy. But, if she has a problem at least I will be able to help her cope.

Friday, November 02, 2007


Thank you ladies for your kind words and support. You are the reason I started this blog. :-)

I am soooo happy today is Friday. This weekend my cousin is getting married. I am very happy for her. Her previous boyfriends were duds and this one seems to be a keeper. They have planned a major shindig in New Jersey. The only down side is that it is Sunday night. Yikes - a school night!!! It is going to be hard keeping my eyes open past 10pm. Oh...and missing Desperate Housewives. I really feel like the show is setting up Teri Hatcher's character for a miscarriage. I mentioned that to my husband and he told me to stop watching.

Most of this year I have been having to filter what I watch, read or listen to. It actually started with 9/11 and then Katrina. You see, I am a very sensitive girl. The less I know the better, usually. There is the other side of me that needs to know everything especially about my infertility. I currently have seven books on my nightstand related to miscarriage. And, tons more on infertility and coping. I have a tote bag in my closet stuffed with information I have collected on adoption.

I am an involuntary expert. I did NOT have dreams of becoming a professional infertile as a little girl!!!