Thursday, November 15, 2007


Well, my evil SIL had her second baby last night. Her first was conceived right after her wedding and this one just a few months after the birth of the first. Some gals have all the luck. I hate her!!! I guess the annoucement of her third pregnancy will come any day now. Yes, I am very bitter. The only upside is she had another boy. She just knew she was having a girl. A "witch" told her so. No lie. Why ask the doctor when a "witch" will tell you?!

I would love to be happy for her but, she is sooo unpleasant and nasty. She had seen me the day before my micarriage and never congratulated me on my pregnancy. So, of course, she has never acknowledged the loss. It will be fun to sit back and watch her handle two babies. She and BIL have not been able to figure out how to handle the first one yet. It will be interesting but, really sad for Mr. G and me. My husband's family now has four babies under 4 years old from two siblings. All boys!

Anyway, I officially started my third IVF cycle. I am just in the BCP phase. Last night was my second night. I was very anxious and queasy and went to bed early. I am sure it is just my nerves. There is a big part of me that does not want to do this cycle. But, there is a bigger part of me that wants to be a mom. This is my only shot. After finding out we have MF and old eggs, Mr. G and I decided we would do three IVFs and any FETs. Of course, we could always do more IVFs but, I have to move past treatments at some point. I believe it is healthy to have an end point. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I have four on ice and hopefully a few more after this cycle.

Mr. G and I have looked into adoption and we will again. I would just need to rest a bit and mourn the loss of my genetic child. I was blindsided by IF and then miscarriage. I have never felt the depth of grief that I have this year. I have lost loved ones and felt saddness. But, I had memories and photos to help me through. What do I have to mourn the loss of my child???

I have to remind myself to live in the now. I can't go into this cycle worrying about failure. I have to deal with each day as it comes. I can't control the future. It will be what it will be. I always ask myself during a cycle - If you are sure it is going to fail, why be sooo nervous??????? Just get it over with!!!


Yodasmistress said...

Gosh I wish I had some advice here. But I just really don't. I hope this IVF works.

Kami said...

It looks like you have given yourself wonderful advice. I just wish it was easy to "live in the now" as it was to recognize the value.

I used to tell myself during the IVF that it was a great adventure and it wouldn't be an adventure if I knew the outcome. It helped. Sometimes.

I understand grieving the loss of that genetic connection. If I come up with any shortcuts for getting through it, I will let you know.

Swim said...

Trying to 'live in the now' is easier said than done when your hormones are off the charts during an IVF cycle. I just try to hold onto the thought that I only need one good egg and it helps sometimes.

I've got my fingers crossed for you this cycle.

Mind if I add you to my blogroll?