Friday, April 25, 2008

Blood Test #2

Today's BETA = 45

The doctor said he was very happy with that number. So, why am I still worried?!

I will continue taking the progesterone and estrogen. My third BETA is on May 1st. I really appreciate all of your well wishes. It is hard to be joyful when I know how early it is and how much I have to lose. I am still pretty calm though. I had a bit of a breakdown the night before first BETA. My husband, on the other hand, has been a disaster for weeks. I think because he has been such a nervous wreck I am feeling more in charge. My household can't handle two out of control freaks.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


BETA = 26.2

I am praying that my next test on friday is over 50. Stay tuned!!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A Few Good Eggs

So, what does egg quality mean anyway? Two IRL infertiles that are younger than me are now nursing their newborns at home. Both got pregnant after me with just mediocre eggs. There are other friends too. All around 30 years old. My doctor was always proud of the eggs that I produced but, that hasn't gotten me a child. How can beautiful text book quality eggs just fall flat? Old eggs that's how!!!

My husband wanted to play the odds this time around and put four back. He figured it was better to get pregnant with multiples and let nature sort things out. His hope was that we would end up with the one good egg in the batch. The only problem was my RE said he would not freeze three embryos (one of which wasn't as good as the others). I would have had to discard two seemingly great embryos. I just refused do it. I realize now if I just kicked and screamed alittle he probably would have. It is just hard to think of every possible detail while dressed in a paper gown in a cold OR.

I can only hope for the best and figure out the worse later.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


I transferred three blasts on day five. And, I will hopefully freeze four.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would make it to a day five transfer.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Great news! My ER went really well yesterday. The nurse told us to be there at 12:30PM. The appointment was really 1PM and the doctor didn't show up until 2PM. This lateness in my last cycle would have thrown me over the edge. This time, I was totally cool.

The anesthesiologist took me in shortly after 1PM and started getting me ready. She could do everything but, start the drugs. We kept each other company by telling stories. It turns out my RE helped the OR nurse get pregnant. She is now 16 weeks. I believe she said it took three ivf's. I decided she was my good luck charm this cycle!

I thank you all for your great words about my cycle and ho-bag former friend!!! As I was driving to work on Monday, I made the decision to remove her from my life. She was more than halfway out the door anyway. A long time ago, I had decided it was better to keep friends by working through hards issues than to lose them. As a teenager and into my 20's, I would often ditch people who stressed me. I really wanted to be mature and fair and keep friends around even if I couldn't trust them as I once did. We all need friends for different reasons, right?!!!!.

Anyhow, this girl will be easy to let go. She only cares about herself and now she only has herself!!!

Good-bye A, you're not worthy!!!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Not Fully Cooked!!!

Went to RE on Saturday and he said I wasn't ready yet. This will be the longest I have gone before trigger. I went for more tests today so I should know this afternoon. We have at least eight follies growing at a steady rate.

I was feeling great until 5PM yesterday.

Short Version: Fertile women suck!!!

Long Version: I have been friends with A for over 15 years. She was in my wedding party. We were great friends up until then. I got married a few weeks after A's niece. At the time, A wasn't dating anyone and was in dire financial straits. That's what happens when you don't want to work and love to wear designer clothes. Everytime we hung out she would be wearing a new pair of Manolos. I always asked her how she managed and she told she had plenty of money in the bank.

Anyway, in the months leading up to my wedding she confessed she had spent all her money and had no more room on her credit cards. She wasn't very pleasant during my bridal shower. We did have a minor heart to heart before my big day and she apologized. She confessed to being jealous that I was getting married.

After the wedding, we started hanging out less and less. She was still single and wanted to go clubbing all the time. I just wanted to go home to be with Mr.G. We had started TTC right away and within months I knew we had a problem. I definately stopped hanging out with most of my friends at this point.

After IVF #1 failed, I told A how depressed I was feeling. She told me to be thankful I had a great husband. Ummm...what does that have to do with my failed cycle. During my IVF #2, I told her how anxious I was about the cycle. She asked me if I was "obsessing" too much. I asked her if I had cancer would she make the same comment. At that point, I was done with her.

In September, she called me to tell me her sister was getting a divorce after struggling with IF for many years. I told her I miscarried a few weeks prior and she seemed genuinely upset for me. Of course, I wasn't anxious to call her anytime soon after that. We would randomly exchange short emails her and there. Once she phoned and I did not take her call.

A few weeks ago, she emailed me that she really wanted to talk to me. It took until yesterday to finally make the connection. I truly regret talking to her.

She is 33 weeks pregnant!!!!!!!!

She got pregnant right after I miscarried. I had to ask her who the father was since she still isn't officially with anyone. It is with a guy she has been seeing off and on over the years. Mostly off. The guy asked her to terminate the pregnancy and she said no. I don't blame her since she just turned 40. She figured this was her only chance to get pregnant. It turns out, she misled the guy into thinking she couldn't get pregnant. Now, the guy is older than her and certainly is at fault too. He stopped talking to her for many months. She planned on taking care of everyting herself until a few weeks ago when she figured out a baby is expensive. She wants him to contribute financially and they are now seeing a mediator to work out a plan. Her family is freaking out. 7 out of 9 siblings have stopped talking to her.

This guy has treated her terribly over the years. I feel badly that she is all alone but, she got exactly what she wanted. And, I am so pissed!!!! Here I am doing everything right and I can't have a baby. She can barely take care of herself and now has been given the gift of life. THIS FRIGGIN' BLOWS.

I couldn't sleep because there was a knot in my chest all night. I am so angry and bitter right now!!!! Every cycle, I have to deal with pregnancy annoucements and births. I can't get a break. I told my friend A that I was very happy for her but, very angry that she would wait so long to tell me. I just don't have any kind words for her right now. Fertiles suck!!!

And to top it off, my husband slept soundly next to me and woke up singing this morning!!!

So I have to ask, where is the fairness in this world???!!!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Current Worries

I am still relatively calm about this cycle but, of course my mind is still playing tricks on me. My current worries are:

A. This cycle will not work. This is my last insured cycle and I am not ready for the next step.

B. This cycle will work but, I will miscarry. I do not want to re-live the agony from last summer/fall.

C. This cycle will work and I will deliver a healthy live baby and love the experience so much I will suffer from secondary IF.

I hate being out of control. My mind gets jammed up with irrational worries and fears to try to control the situation. The above list is what I am currently focusing my attention on. I have many other random racing thoughts.

And yet, I am excited about this cycle!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I guess when you have hit rock bottom a few times the surroundings aren't so scarey anymore. I see living through this torture the past year as a great accomplishment. Loss, failure, grief, gain, loss, failure, agony. Only a strong woman could keep picking herself up and starting all over again. Not that I wanted this experience but, I know one day I will celebrate the strength I gained.

I started Cetrotide this morning and have more blood and sono tomorrow. It won't be long now!