Monday, March 31, 2008

CD 6 - Already!!!

AF arrived on 3/26 and I started stimming on the 28th. I am taking 525 Gonal-F and three powders of Menopur. I am doing good so far but, I have only been injecting for three days. Mr. G and I timed it last night and the mixing and injecting is no more than five minutes. I remember how we labored over the injections with our first cycle. The whole processed seemed endless and my anxiety level was sky high. Now, the time just flys by.

The last time I felt like this my IVF cycle was a bust (December). I don't know what I will do if that happens this time too. I am so over treatments but, not ready to give up my genetic link. I am also not looking forward to another miscarriage. I am thinking positively but, so far I have fallen on the down side of the statistics. It is hard to be hopeful.

Thankfully, work has been keeping me distracted. I also went to VT this weekend. My BIL had a 50th birthday party for my sister K. Mr. G and I drove up with my Mom and my brother G went also. It was planned at the last minute so I couldn't get any additional time off from work. I will need a day or two off next week for the ER/ET anyway. The party was at a local inn and the room and food were great. There is still a ton of snow up there. The area received 6" on Friday night which was enough to get us stuck in her driveway. She lives on a mountain ridge and the road up is steep. We were close enough I could see the top of the house. Next thing I knew the car was sliding backwards. We backed up all the way down and my BIL picked us up at the bottom. She lives about six hours from me but, the trip is so worth it. My family had a great time together. Mr. G wants to move up there. I am not sure if I could survive the long winters. Although, it would be great to live closer to K and her family.

My other sister J is a bit of a whack-o so I avoid her completely. Thankfully, she lives down south and has no money to travel. She called my brother and asked to use his credit card so she could go to K's party. G said no way. J has a long history with managing funds poorly which is why she now lives in a borrowed trailer with not a dime to her name and a loser husband. She never wanted to work so this is where her life choices have lead her. The other four of us have always worked really hard and have nice lives. She can't understand why she doesn't. Oh well, not my concern.

Some good IF news. My friend E received a BFP yesterday on her second IVF. She suffered a horrible stillbirth last summer a couple of weeks before my miscarriage. It has been a long hard road for her and me. I hope I can be pregnant again with her but, I will always be there for her.

I have blood and sono tomorrow. I hope my ovaries are waking up and doing what I need them to do.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Oooh Oooh Oooh What a Little Cardio Can Do!!!!

My anxiety has driven me back to a cardio workout. Nothing crazy. I extended my dog walk in the morning by ten minutes. Lil'G is sooo happy about that. I have also ditched the elevator at work for the stairs. I think I counted 96 steps once. Just that little bit of cardio has helped my mood tremendously. My racing thoughts are not as loud or as frequent. One of my co-workers, L, just started seeing a shrink. Yes, I do work in a mental house. The funny thing is we all actually get along and like each other. We aren't all the best of friends but, everyone enjoys working together. It is mostly our boss and clients that has us all teetering on the edge. Anyway, the shrink explained to L about the need to release stress everyday. If you can't let that internal scream out by yelling your head off, you should just take a walk, run, clean the house, dance...whatever. It does help!!! But, I did know this already. I just needed to be reminded because sitting on my big ass is so much easier!!!!

Friday, March 07, 2008

Feelin' All Kinds of Crazy

Sometime last week, I started feeling really badly. You know, more than the feeling bad that has become normal since IF moved into my world. I have been waking up at 3:00 AM every day with racing thoughts about everything. I am anxious, depressed, fearful, crampy and very angry. Here is what is going on with me:

1. I am infertile.

2. I was suppose to give birth to my first child this month. I knew getting through this month would be hard but, I was not prepared for the grief. That is one tough emotion. I had dinner a few nights ago with my friend E who lost her twins at 21.5 weeks not long before my miscarriage. She is also doing a cycle now. It is good to have someone who understands all the pain and suffering. Although, I wish neither of us were in this position.

3. BCP's suck. I have never faired well on the pill. My hormones were not meant to be manipulated. I get very bitchy and angry. I cringe everytime I put one in my mouth at night. But, I have to move forward and get through this cycle. It is probably the only chance I have for pregnancy. So here, I am facing my last fresh IVF cycle unsure what to do if it doesn't work.

4. My job is insane. Now is the worst possible time to cycle but, I won't have any significant down time until July/August. I had no choice but to dive right in and go for it. I literally get woozy when I get to work now. I use to be able to power my way through all the stress and get the job done. I was even challenged by 11th hour struggles. I had a great reputation for being a hard worker that can handle just about anythng. We work in teams and people have always requested me first. Now my lack of concentration is starting to show...gulp...! But, everyone around me is also stressed. Nearly all my co-workers are on or anti-d's. I have co-workers who are heavy alcoholics that show up to work late stinking to high heaven. One coworker even use to take naps under his desk in the middle of the day (and he wasn't one of the drunks). One gal just had surgery for TM.J. How do I find inspiration and comfort in this mental house???!!!!

I guess, even having one of the above issues is enough to throw anyone over the edge. I have to keep channeling my inner strengh and pray everthing will work out ok. Here's to another 7+ weeks of utter insanity!!!!!!