Friday, March 07, 2008

Feelin' All Kinds of Crazy

Sometime last week, I started feeling really badly. You know, more than the feeling bad that has become normal since IF moved into my world. I have been waking up at 3:00 AM every day with racing thoughts about everything. I am anxious, depressed, fearful, crampy and very angry. Here is what is going on with me:

1. I am infertile.

2. I was suppose to give birth to my first child this month. I knew getting through this month would be hard but, I was not prepared for the grief. That is one tough emotion. I had dinner a few nights ago with my friend E who lost her twins at 21.5 weeks not long before my miscarriage. She is also doing a cycle now. It is good to have someone who understands all the pain and suffering. Although, I wish neither of us were in this position.

3. BCP's suck. I have never faired well on the pill. My hormones were not meant to be manipulated. I get very bitchy and angry. I cringe everytime I put one in my mouth at night. But, I have to move forward and get through this cycle. It is probably the only chance I have for pregnancy. So here, I am facing my last fresh IVF cycle unsure what to do if it doesn't work.

4. My job is insane. Now is the worst possible time to cycle but, I won't have any significant down time until July/August. I had no choice but to dive right in and go for it. I literally get woozy when I get to work now. I use to be able to power my way through all the stress and get the job done. I was even challenged by 11th hour struggles. I had a great reputation for being a hard worker that can handle just about anythng. We work in teams and people have always requested me first. Now my lack of concentration is starting to show...gulp...! But, everyone around me is also stressed. Nearly all my co-workers are on or anti-d's. I have co-workers who are heavy alcoholics that show up to work late stinking to high heaven. One coworker even use to take naps under his desk in the middle of the day (and he wasn't one of the drunks). One gal just had surgery for TM.J. How do I find inspiration and comfort in this mental house???!!!!

I guess, even having one of the above issues is enough to throw anyone over the edge. I have to keep channeling my inner strengh and pray everthing will work out ok. Here's to another 7+ weeks of utter insanity!!!!!!


Almamay said...

You are so right. Nothing prepares you for the grief you are going through this month. I'm very sorry you are down. All the best for your new cycle.

Freyja said...

I am lucky to not know anything about pregnancy loss, first hand, so all I can offer there are some hugs.

As for work, there is a special circle of he!! reserved for those of us who have stressful careers (as opposed to just having a "job" or not working at all) and undergoing medicated cycles. The hormones make me nuts. My company makes me nuts. The two of them together is almost too much to bear! (Illustrating where my most recent IF post came from...)

Lori said...

I am so sorry, especially about #2.


the Babychaser: said...

I'm starting to think you're my creepy twin sister I never knew about, living a parallel life in another part of the world. (Yes, you're the creepy one, not me, as this is my story.)

I, too, went from being fairly upbeat last week to just fucking crazed this week. I, too, have a serious problem with the pill. I was on it for 10 years with no side effects, but this two-weeks on, two-weeks off shit is not the same. Yesterday in the grocery store I realized I was muttering to myself and plowing down other people in my way. I actually wanted someone to pick a fight with me. So NOT me!!! Evil pill. If memory serves, though, that gets better when you get off the pill and start on the stims.

As for the loss, well, yeah, it's astonishing how deep that can cut you. Having never been more than 6 weeks pregnant, I'm always surprised at what a due date can do to me. Last Christmas our first kid would have turned one. It was rough. I can tell you that it'll get better. It really will. Just give it time.

A few comments on the stressful job plus IVF: (1) It totally sucks when your brain is wrapped in cotton because of drugs and distraction, and you HAVE to concentrate or you're screwed. (2) IMHO, a stressful (if rewarding) job can be a blessing. No time to obsess, grieve, or fret. If you can get in the zone, it can be its own form of relief. (3) Again, IMHO, it's worth the stress to have a job that challenges me. Of course, now that I've transferred into a less stressful form of litigation (appellate) it's easier to say that. But still, I'd rather be stressed than bored.

This all being said, I find that as soon as I get hormonal, the first thing to go is my self-confidence in my ability to handle my job. Which totally blows.

Hang in there, creepy twin sister.

Barb said...

First time visitor...

I love that quote by Albert Camus!! I learned it years ago in jr. high.

BCPs do the same to me. Sorry to hear it. :(

Swim said...

Wow.. I read your list and can relate to all but #3 (I suppress too much and can't take them as part of my protocol).

Seriously, do you work in a mental house???

Hoping this week is better for you.

TABI said...

Hoping things turn around for you. I know how hard it is and the insanity of this experience is just sometimes unbelievable. Hang in there!