Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Current Worries

I am still relatively calm about this cycle but, of course my mind is still playing tricks on me. My current worries are:

A. This cycle will not work. This is my last insured cycle and I am not ready for the next step.

B. This cycle will work but, I will miscarry. I do not want to re-live the agony from last summer/fall.

C. This cycle will work and I will deliver a healthy live baby and love the experience so much I will suffer from secondary IF.

I hate being out of control. My mind gets jammed up with irrational worries and fears to try to control the situation. The above list is what I am currently focusing my attention on. I have many other random racing thoughts.

And yet, I am excited about this cycle!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I guess when you have hit rock bottom a few times the surroundings aren't so scarey anymore. I see living through this torture the past year as a great accomplishment. Loss, failure, grief, gain, loss, failure, agony. Only a strong woman could keep picking herself up and starting all over again. Not that I wanted this experience but, I know one day I will celebrate the strength I gained.

I started Cetrotide this morning and have more blood and sono tomorrow. It won't be long now!

5 comments:

Baby Step said...

Can I just tell you that my biggest fear, having never gotten pregnant, is that I am going to get pregnant and miscarry after IVF. The other day I was wondering if it was even worth it....but it IS worth it. I hate being scared of something that may or may not happen. Doesn't IF SUCK?

Swim said...

Even though you have these fears racing through your head, you are still excited about this cycle and that is fantastic.

I am also excited about this cycle, I don't care how many follies I grow, if it is more than 2 I'm going for it. Keeping the eggs in my body and hoping DH's swimmers find them doesn't seem to work for us.

Fingers crossed for positive outcomes for both of us!!

Kami said...

I understand those fears, but you gotta try, huh? And isn't it exciting to be trying?!

I tempered the out-of-control feeling with tons and tons of research, yoga, meditation, acupuncture and a new diet. I was DOING something. Nothing helped make a baby, but it did feel good at the time.

Good luck this cycle.

the Babychaser: said...

I totally understand where you're coming from. And it's weird being in a position where you know you can get pregnant, but have experienced first hand the possibility that you won't STAY pregnant. On the one hand, it must be incredibly frustrating to have never gotten there, as Baby Step writes. But on the other hand, it's awful to know that a "you're pregnant!" phone call won't be the end of your worries.

Most women I know who do ART are successful, responsible, and let's face it, control-freak women who've always been able to reach their dreams by trying hard enough. It's just so fucking unfair that in THE MOST IMPORTANT venture of our lives, we're totally victims of dumb luck.

Try to cling to the excited part. Try to be zen about the rest. (I'm on my last insured cycle, too, so I understand how hard that is.)

- Babychaser

Portia P said...

I'm very excited for you.

I understand your worries, but try to live in the the here and now. Worry about those things when you get there. One worry at a time!!

2 years of trying and 5 IVF's have just about got me able to reign in my worrying MOST (just not all) of the time.

Fingers crossed for you. x