Monday, October 20, 2008

FET #1

So over a month ago, the day before my 42nd birthday, my RE transfered four thawed embryos into my uterus. It was the four from my IVF #3 in May. My RE and embryologist both agreed these four were better than the four I have from IVF #2.

After I miscarried last summer, my RE encouraged me to hold these embryos and do IVF #3. At the time, he felt I should hold the embryos in case I wanted a sibling for the baby I was for sure going to have after another fresh cycle. Well, we know how IVF #3 turned out. And, here I am down to my last four embryos. Happy Eff'ing Birthday.

My first BETA after FET #1 came back at 6.7. It was heartbreaking. Thankfully, it just went down from there so the end was swift. This was the first cycle I ever POAS so it wasn't surprising. I just wished it were my time. I just wished my story was "gee...all my tests were negative but, it worked anyway...haha...ain't life grand". Not this time sweetie. You must suffer longer.

Today, I started my Lu.pron injections for FET #2. I had been holding off for many months doing any offical grief work until now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. My therapist thinks it's time. She says I need a new plan before this cycle is over.

My GYN wants me to see a different doctor that uses PGD. I am very torn. Technically, IVF worked for me twice. I just had bad eggs. I would love my own genetic child but, I just can't put myself through anymore trauma. I am guessing if I see a new RE, I would have to emotionally commit to at least two cycles. I don't think I can do that. Even with PGD it is just a chance at pregnancy. I never was a gambler so why am I torturing myself. The odds are against me.

Two weeks ago, my therapist left me with a question to ponder...

How much loss can you bear?

It gave me alot to think about.

5 comments:

Me said...

That's a loaded question if ever I've heard one. I'm sorry you have to make such hard, unfair choices.

Melanie said...

I wish there were magic words and workbooks where you could answer a bunch of seemingly unrelated questions and then the answer pops up like magic. And I understand oh too well the frustration of the unknown and the known and of course the journey from one to the other. My thoughts are with you.

Lori said...

I'm sorry to hear what your last month has been like.

I hope that you are able to find an end to the suffering.

{{{{{{hug}}}}}}

Ms. J said...

Your therapist's question reminded me of something my cousin said to me, when I told her I felt kinda weak for NOT being willing to endure years of fertility treatments like I'd been encouraged by some folks (the same ones who pooh-poohed our adoption inquiries), and instead throwing myself into the adoption pursuit. She said "There is no trophy or award given for how much grief one couple can bear, and it doesn't matter if you bring home a baby via a hospital or an airplane."

Now, I do NOT share that with you to sway or discourage you -- NOT AT ALL! Every couple must make a decision based on their own limits (Physical, emotional, and financial). I just think it's important to recognize what those may be, and pursue a plan that is mindful of the goal and the limits as you self-define them.

For me, I was too weak, emotionally, to keep trying to get pregnant and enduring the loss. But that is me.

I'm here to support YOU, honey!!!

Kami said...

It was that very question that lead us down the DE route. Even though I still haven't completely come to terms with giving up on having a genetic child, I realized I couldn't try the same thing and expect different results.

And even though I haven't fully come to terms with not having a genetic child, I'm so happy we have our DE child and not still trying.

Not trying to push you, just showing that there can be peace in the next best choice.