FET #1

So over a month ago, the day before my 42nd birthday, my RE transfered four thawed embryos into my uterus. It was the four from my IVF #3 in May. My RE and embryologist both agreed these four were better than the four I have from IVF #2.

After I miscarried last summer, my RE encouraged me to hold these embryos and do IVF #3. At the time, he felt I should hold the embryos in case I wanted a sibling for the baby I was for sure going to have after another fresh cycle. Well, we know how IVF #3 turned out. And, here I am down to my last four embryos. Happy Eff'ing Birthday.

My first BETA after FET #1 came back at 6.7. It was heartbreaking. Thankfully, it just went down from there so the end was swift. This was the first cycle I ever POAS so it wasn't surprising. I just wished it were my time. I just wished my story was "gee...all my tests were negative but, it worked anyway...haha...ain't life grand". Not this time sweetie. You must suffer longer.

Today, I started my Lu.pron injections for FET #2. I had been holding off for many months doing any offical grief work until now. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. My therapist thinks it's time. She says I need a new plan before this cycle is over.

My GYN wants me to see a different doctor that uses PGD. I am very torn. Technically, IVF worked for me twice. I just had bad eggs. I would love my own genetic child but, I just can't put myself through anymore trauma. I am guessing if I see a new RE, I would have to emotionally commit to at least two cycles. I don't think I can do that. Even with PGD it is just a chance at pregnancy. I never was a gambler so why am I torturing myself. The odds are against me.

Two weeks ago, my therapist left me with a question to ponder...

How much loss can you bear?

It gave me alot to think about.