Tuesday, January 01, 2008

BFN

Not surprising but, still devastating. I feel so wounded. My moods are swinging very widely. I am crushed one moment and then hopeful the next. Thus, the roller coaster effect of the illness. I am thankful that I have even the slightest bit of hope left.

I have to clear up something. My BETA day was yesterday the 31st. I typed my post in the very early morning hours of the same morning since I could not sleep. The post was incorrectly dated for the 30th. My husband found a Blogger book for me at the library yesterday so maybe I will at least know a little something about what I am doing. LOL.

Back to IF, I am not sure what the next step will be. I stopped the hormones yesterday so my head will start to clear up. It is always better to take a break before making a big decision. Yesterday while in a moment of despair, my hubbie did point out that we have options. I can use my frozen embies. I could do my last fresh cycle. Or, I can stop treatments completely.

While visiting my sister in VT the subject of me trying to get pregnant came up over dinner. My 11 year old adopted niece said, "why don't you just adopt"????? She told me I could do most of the process on the internet. She is such an great kid and so smart. I told her Mr. G and I are considering it and they we would be proud to love a girl just like her. She gave me a huge smile!!! So much to consider.

I read that a secret to being a happy person is to surround yourself with people who tell you you're happy. Sometimes we need to be reminded which is exactly why I started blogging. Most of my family and most of my friends do not understand what I am going through. They offer the well intentioned assvice of "just get over it", "stop obsessing", and the best line "just relax and it will happen"!!! We have all heard this nonsense many times.

I wish I had a positive outcome to share with all of you. I always like to hear of other women getting pregnant because it gives me great hope. It just isn't my time yet. I especially appreciated yodamistress and Lori who reminded me that I am not an angry bitter sourpuss after all!!!

I wish a happy and healthy journey to resolution to all infertiles for 2008!!!

9 comments:

Lori said...

Oh, WG, I'm sorry you're ringing in the new with such news.

I'm betting, though, that after you grieve this loss, you WILL find some clarity for what comes next. That's my wish for you.

Yodasmistress said...

I'm too am sorry you didn't get to ring in the new year with better news. However, it IS a new year. The old pains won't automatically fall away but the slate is at least, pseudo-clean, making room for many things to come - hopefully at least one of which will be grand!

Portia P said...

Thanks WG for visiting me and for your comment. I read your very first entry - to get a feel for who you are and where you are in your treatment. That entry said it all for me too.

I feel so lucky to have a community of girls in the same boat. Amazing to have such strength and support from so far away.

I hope you're ok, that things improve for you this year AND that you're able to make a decision soon.

Almamay said...

I just found your blog and I'm really sorry to read about your BFN. Hope the new year will be more kind than the start has been.

I wanted to add that while you are thinking about your next step I have found that it sometimes help me if I give myself permission to make a decision and then if I'm not happy with it then change my mind.

Swim said...

I'm so sorry you did not get better news. I'm hoping the new year will bring better IF news for everyone.

Your neice sound great. It's amazing how insightful children can be.

Kami said...

I'm sorry about your news too. It is good to recognize you have options. I think that knowing I have options has kept me sane.

Now, tell me, what is wrong with being an angry, bitter sourpuss?

Cindy Nguyen said...

Just wanted to know I stopped by. Those bfn's are like a knife in the heart. I've had a few myself.

Its a new year and you never know what the future holds.

Schatzi said...

Oh, so sorry for your BFN. Give yourself some time to consider your options.

Wishing you the best for 2008!

The Baby Chase said...

That just sucks. You're smart to wait before you make any solid decisions, though. I lost my 3rd pregnancy around labor day--a successful IVF cycle that ended up ectopic. We already knew that it was our last shot at pregnancy before I had surgery to remove a fibroid.

For the first two months after the loss, I was obsessed with adoption--immediate adoption. I just couldn't cope with the idea of surgery and another god-only-knows-how-many cycles and a second mortgage and more TIME TIME TIME ticking away.

But I also couldn't stop grieving, no matter how hard I pushed for us to start adoption procedures (my poor husband!). It took a couple of months for my hormones to settle down (the shots they give you to get rid of an ectopic pregnancy take FOREVER to finish the job). But once I started feeling like ME again, I realized that I really needed to take the conception-ride through to completion.

And it wasn't that bad. I've had the surgery, am almost fully recovered, and will be starting IVF again in the spring. Now, if we turn to adoption later, I'll know I've gone as far as I needed to in order to feel complete.

Hang in there. This HAS to get better. Remember, infertility is temporary, no matter how this all plays out. It isn't who you are, it's just what you're experiencing right now.

Take care,

Babychaser