Sunday, December 30, 2007

BETA Day

Thank you for all of your great posts. Mr. G and I decided to go to Vermont the day after Christmas so I have been MIA. My sister K and her family live up there. We usually visit often but, this year has been hard. We had our IF treatments and my BIL has had cancer radiation treatments. He is finished now and feeling tremendously better. Hopefully it worked. He had prostate cancer over ten years ago. Apparently, during the removal there may have been some left behind and the cancer may have come back. It has been hard for my sister but, we helped each other cope.

Now I have alot of catching up to do. I want to know how everyone survived the holidays. I thought I did ok until yesterday. We went to my husband's aunt's birthday party. It was the first time in a very long time I had to sit with my eSIL and her babies. I have to say the kids are beautiful. But, oh how I hate that bitch. It tore me up inside to see her being the mom I want to be. I wish I could say she was overwhelmed by having two under 16 months but, not true. She seemed in control and very happy. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears from flowing. My husband wonders why I am so tired all the time. Grief is very hard on a gal. Then add a sprinkle of hormones and you get a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I cried my eyes out most of the night. When I look in the mirror all I can see is a bitter angry woman staring back at me. Who or what have I become??????

I haven't been like this the whole three and a half years of trying. Just the past few months. Right around the time I miscarried and started blogging. At my core, I am not the whiney sourpuss this blog exposes me for. I am just having a normal response to a horrible illness. (At least that's what my therapist says)!

In a few hours I will have my BETA checked. I wish I could say one way or the other how I feel. My doctor put me on evil progesterone and estrogen the night of my last post and has since doubled the dose. Of course, I have lots of pregnancy symptoms because of the progesterone. If I had to guess, I would say that I am not pregnant.

Last night, I told my husband that I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take the treatments. I cannot sit through a family dinner and feel shame that I cannot bear a child. I had hoped resolution meant having a baby through IVF. The surprise IUI screwed up my schedule. After all my crying and fits of anger, I realized it might be time to move on. I just don't know what that next step will be. I once thought I did but, my confidence is at an all time low. I am not sure I would pass a home study at this point. I think I just need some rest so I can make decisions with some clarity.

There is a very small part of me that hopes I will regret writing all of the above when I get a BFP later. I will know soon enough!!!!

5 comments:

Swim said...

Wishing you good luck with your beta!

Schatzi said...

Fingers crossed. I hope you got good news!

Yodasmistress said...

First I want to say that my interpretation of your posts has not been that you are an angry, bitter sourpuss. But rather that you are a fairly kind individual going through a particularly emotionally trying time.

Now that we have that out of the way I would like to impatiently tap my fingers on the proverbial desk since this post was made YESTERDAY and there is no follow up TODAY...

Melanie said...

It's a bitch of fate that you're waiting (or have received) news of this magnitude around the holidays when we have no choice but to be around those that make us feel (or allow us to feel), well, not the way we want to feel. So, from a person you've never met, I feel it with you. And I hope like hell it's great news.

Lori said...

Ditto what Yodasmistress said (about you not seeming angry/bitter).

I just want you to know I'm waiting and abiding with you.