Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Journey So Far

Last cycle, at this time I was in the midst of a huge meltdown. I was ready to start stiming and had spent the night lying awake in sheer panic. The only thing that calmed me down was the decision to cancel the cycle and go to Paris. I was very depressed over IF and didn't want to get pregnant while feeling so negative. I immediately calmed down and was able to sleep for a few hours.

I woke Mr. G up early and told him the news. Up until that point, everything related to pregnancy and treatment was up to me. He is very easygoing and laid back (much like his sperm). Mr. G flat out told me "NO"!!! Ummm...excuse me? He said, "You are going to finish what you started"! Hey pod man, what did you do with my real husband???? You know the one that always agrees with me! Mr. G's belief was I was never going to be happy during a cycle so I would just have to plow through. Move forward. I wasn't getting any younger and it would only get harder. In the end I agreed but, I still needed to work through my anxiety.

I headed off to my weekly acupuncture appointment. I told the doctor that I was really nervous. Well, she must have thought I said "feeling bored and lethargic". OMG...when she was done my whole body was shaking. I planned to have dinner guests over that night. Thankfully, it was my Mom, ILs, Aunt, Uncle and cousins. Everyone knew we would be doing a cycle. I was freaking out but, I did not want to cancel the dinner.

As each guest arrived I told them that I was having alot of anxiety about starting the drugs and I may need to excuse myself to lay down. Everyone understood and the night went off without any problems.

Of course, I had one more major meltdown before the retrieval. I kept obsessing over being an anxious depressed pregnant woman. How could such a mess of a woman carry life inside her? What was I going to do??? The only thing that got me through was reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway'. It is so not related to IVF but, it helped me. And, of course the cycle did result in a BFP but, with an extra chromosome #22!!! Not good.

My journey to conceive began in July 2004, as soon as I got married. I started getting anxiety attacks about five months later. I thought for sure I would not have a problem. My Mom had five children and her mother had eight. No one in my immediate and extended families had fertility issues (that I knew of anyway).

We spent the next year with my gyn and discovered my husband's sperm issues. He underwent a varicocele surgery. We found out a couple of our friends had it and had no problem getting pregnant afterwards. what happened to us? I did two rounds of Clomid with gyn and again found out about a few people who got pregnant on Clomid. what happened to us? Off to the RE for two IUI's. Ah...this was finally going to be the answer to our prayers because it helped so and so and so and so. know what happpened - nada.

Out of sheer disgust with a nasty RE we took a break in the summer and fall of 2006. Finally, through a co-worker of Mr. G's, we found a wonderful doctor in January 2007. What a dear dear man! He immediately said we should move right into IVF with ICSI. And, thus began the craziest 10 months of my life. The highs and lows were unlike anything I have ever experienced.

My life hasn't been easy but, I worked my way through. I moved forward. I was never anxious or mildly depressed. If I was feeling blue I would dance and sing my way out of it. I would meet up with a friend and laugh my ass off. And, now here I am stuck in this nightmare called IF. Sometimes, I feel like I am made of fragile glass that could shatter at any moment.

This will probably be my last IVF. I say probably because who knows what my body will tell me. (My mind left me last April so now I am on auto-pilot). When Mr. G and I started with these treatments we both agreed we needed an end point. We couldn't let it go on and on. I am too exhausted and damaged. I need rest. Our end point is three IVF's and any frozen transfers.

So here I am nearing the finale wondering where my baby is. I mean IVF was the answer - right?!!!


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say hi. I've only been living the INF nightmare for 18 months, I do not know if I can do much more.

But if you can fight through it for this long, maybe I can keep going a little longer.

Swim said...

Wow, I know how you feel and I don't know what my end point is going to be yet. I'm so stuborn. I want a biological child and nobody ever told me it would be this hard.

Luckily, it sounds as though you have a supportive husband. I couldn't imagine how I would get through this without mine there with me.

This is a roller coaster ride.

Schatzi said...

I sure hope it is the answer for you! I know for me, having an end point has helped me get through.

Fingers are crossed for your first sono.

Good luck!

Kami said...

Oh gosh, I could have written this post. The details would be different, but the sentiment the same.

I will never forget the first time I came across someone who beat the odds (less than 1 in a million by some people's assessment) of getting pregnant with IUI and less than 1 million post wash motile sperm. I new how these stories turned out - they end in death. I stared in shock when this person ended her story with a live birth. I couldn't believe it. Why her and not me?

Why your friends and not you?

Yodasmistress said...

I've been on this Journey for 25 months. I find I'm always comparing myself to people. Most of the time I am comparing myself to people who are fertile and I find myself asking "Why me?" I am forced to accept that life is not fair and this is just my lot in life. It's a hard pill to swallow. Then other times I compare myself to others who have walked the IF road longer and farther and find myself moved by how *easy* my Journey has been. And I don't know where my Journey will end and that could be me. This too is a hard pill to swallow.

I don't have any wisdom. Only empathy for your struggle and admiration for your courage and determination. I'm sorry this can't be easier. For all of us.