NO HEARTBEAT

Our ultra sound on Friday confirmed that the little one is gone. No spotting. No cramping. Just a motionless spot on the screen. We have a D&C scheduled for this Tuesday. It sucks that this had to happen before a holiday weekend. I just want it over with. We had no warning with our first miscarriage. We found out on a Monday and by Wednesday the procedure was done. In a small way we were lucky. There weren't any births occurring that night while were at the hospital. I didn't even see a pregnant woman walking around the halls. I was the only person in recovery.

What are the chances I will have that good fortune again? It is very devastating to make a woman go to labor and delivery to have her baby sucked out of her. I considered for a very brief moment of just letting the pregnancy pass naturally. But, then I came to my senses! I have been through enough. This time around I found out it is easier finding out the baby is gone rather than the baby is going. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long. I know there are women out there with worse stories. Some woman aren't even offered the choice of a D&C. Lucky me!

I went to work on Thursday and Friday just to keep myself distracted. My husband couldn't take off and I did not want to be home alone. I am close to a few of my co-workers and they offered me their shoulders to cry on. My boss was choking back the tears and told me to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. He has been aware of every procedure we have done in the past year. He also lets me leave early every other Monday to attend my infertility support group. He doesn't let anyone leave early. My co-worker Sean sent me a beautiful arrangement of roses, hydrangeas and calla lilies. I greatly appreciate any acknowledgement of our loss. Most people don't understand how significant this is for us.

Thankfully, I have this blog and all of you to support me through this awful time. I want to give a special thanks to JulieS of Life after Infertility & Loss of for awarding the Pink Rose to me. She definitely understands the sad place I am in right now. I promise Julie I will be back to regular blogging and will post a proper thank you very soon. (Note: I am a bit of a tech-tard and really have to work out the cut/paste, links etc).

DH and I chose to enjoy this beautiful weekend despite the sadness. The weather in NYC is gorgeous. On Friday night, we took the dog to the beach that is two blocks from our house to watch the sunset. Saturday night we went to the Jersey shore for a delicious seafood dinner. DH had lazy lobster over asparagus risotto and I had pan seared grouper over forbidden rice and roasted fennel. We took a stroll along the ocean afterwards. Yesterday, we chose to not go to a family party and instead we headed to the Botanical Garden in the Bronx. It was just lovely. We really appreciated the good time.

Next weekend, I will be curled up in a ball dealing with the intense cramping I get after the procedure. Pass the Vic.odin please!!! I am too frail right now to deal with any physical pain. And, I will need all my energy to deal with the emotional pain that has yet to hit me.